Praise

I could not get to my computer fast enough this morning after I thanked the Lord for allowing me to see the depth of the sin in my life. I started this blog just a week ago and I basically centered it around my "search" for contentment. I am ashamed that I did that, but very grateful that God did not let me last long with that central theme. My daughter reads this, every day, and I want to share now what the Lord has shown me this week.

A friend of mine called me the other day, distraught over the number of divorces she is seeing among her friends and then the same day, I found out about 5 couples I knew from high school who are in the process of divorce. There are so many children whose lives are going to be devestated by these selfish decisions. It breaks my heart. I am tempted to think to myself that these couples just need to get over themselves and think of the little lives they are in charge of. That may be true, but the truth is, how much damage do I do to my children every day with my discontentment? Am I preparing my daughters to be wives who honor and revere their husbands, or does my attitude cause them to think that their daddy is not "good enough" for me.

I have a book recommended on my favorite book list called Created To Be His Help Meet, by Debi Pearl. This book changed my way of viewing marriage when I first read it last year. It is straight forward and written to put "the fear of God" in young wives. I can honestly say that it changed me in a lot of ways. It made me totally aware of God's plan for my life and like it or not, I could no longer plead ignorance in this area. However, just the central theme of my blog proves that I did not allow God to toally root out all feelings of discontent and I did not truly have my life centered around my husband, where God instructs it to be.

I could write another book telling you all the merits of Mrs. Pearl's book, but I'm not going to. I think you should read it, ingest it, pray about it, and let it change every aspect of your life with your husband. What I do want to share is my personal testimony regarding this book and my promise today, before God and everyone who ever reads this blog.

I love my husband. I have since the day we married. We have been blessed in more ways than I can count. I made many grave mistakes before I married him 11 years ago and many people were hurt by stupid decisions that I made. Thanks to the grace of God, He has restored my life from those decisions and He has graciously blessed me with four amazing children, whom I love with all of my heart and soul. Our marriage was not always great, however, and in the beginning neither of us sought God's counsel and we were not happy. We were committed, but not happy. Now, however, God has truly blessed us with not only commitment, but love, happiness, and children, and truly His favor is evident in our lives for which I am humbled beyond words. The only thing missing for me has been true contentment. It was not missing because God refused to give it to me, it was missing because I was trying to "find" it outside of His perfect plan. My discontent was not with my husband personally. It wasn't that I wanted another man or a better provider or any of those things. As I studied the word of God and grew closer to Him, I walked out from under the protective sheild He ordained through my husband and I began to feel like I was more spiritual, more in touch with the heart of God than my husband and therefore, our family was not doing enough service to God. My sin disguised itself as spirituality and it made me restless. I want so much for my life to "matter" that I have been blind to the fact that it matters only if I am inside of God's will for it - otherwise, all of my supposed spirituality will be seen as hay and rubble on the last day. I know that God wants to do great things with our family, but He will do those things through my husband, with me as his help meet. I am totally broken as I write this to think that I have been the cause of holding my husband back from the things God has planned for him to do. I am so ashamed and so devestated by this right now, but I have asked the Lord to forgive me and help me to be the wife and mother He has called me to be. I desperately want to model for our daughters the way of a true lady. They will never have the glorious marriages that their daddy and I want for them and certainly that their Heavenly Father wants for them, if they have to start their marriages off the way we did. I know they will learn more from what I do than from what I tell them. I know I have told them the right things, but I haven't been doing them. Debi says at one point in the book that she has had women who looked like "sad sacks" sit in front of her and claim to have the joy of the Lord. That is what I have been - a Jezebel and a liar. I have claimed to have joy and faith, yet I have lived in a constant state of turmoil, anxiety, and discontent. Wanting God to "use" me to do great things for Him, when I haven't done the basic things He clearly instructed wives to do.

Here today, I am determining that my life will be totally centered around the wonderful man God has given me. This is my job, but also it is my joy. So many women do this so much better than I, and with husbands who don't even deserve it. My husband does deserve it. He is a man who is seeking God's will for our lives. He is an excellent provider, far beyond anything I deserve. I don't have to worry about money or shelter or food. My life with him has been so easy I have taken it all for granted. Well, no more. I am grateful for his love and I will show it completely, beginning today. No more will my children see a "sad sack" for a mama. They have the best daddy in all the world and my life is going to revolve around loving him, so that one day they will be men and women whose marriages reflect the glory and mystery of Christ and His Bride.

Titus 2:3-5 "Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will blaspheme the word of God."