My Unpopular Thoughts on the Purity Movement

In less than two weeks my oldest daughter will be getting married.

She is a virgin and so is her fiancé.  

That makes me feel extremely humbled and I am very happy about it.

With that said, let me tell you why I am not a proponent of the purity movement.  In fact, I am not only not a fan of it, but I want to persuade you not to use this method of training your children up in the way they should go.

When we began home schooling in 1998, said oldest daughter was four years old.  I was immediately thrust into an environment unlike anything I had ever known.  I was twenty-four years old.  I knew how to talk the "church" talk, but the "home school" talk threw me for a loop.  Let me tell you, in 1998, the home school movement was in the throes of trying to "find itself."  

My friends all had hair down to their hips, wore no makeup, ground their own wheat, and wore denim jumpers.  You guys, this is not a myth - it was for real.  My 24 year old southern girl self who never left the house without my "face" on was mortified.  I mean, my whole life my Mama told me to "put some lipstick on so you don't look dead" and for "heavens sake, where are your earrings?"  And this was just to pick up a few groceries.  These women looked over their reading glasses at me like I had just popped in off the street corner.

Suddenly, I had to reevaluate who I was and how I was going to raise my children.  I tried to play along.  I did.  And God was good - though I am sure He got a laugh or two out of my attempts to conform.  (Yes, I bought a denim jumper.  And yes, Stan laughed his head off every time I wore it).  I became a true follower of Christ during this period of my life - most of the ladies I met were amazingly in tune with the Holy Spirit.  They wanted to get this marriage and parenting thing right, and of course, so did I.  As my little children began to grow up, the majority of my friends had children a few years older than my oldest, some the age of my oldest, and a few younger ones as well.  We home schoolers like to reproduce (and yes, we know exactly what causes it) - we only look prudish.  :)  

Suddenly, the home school conventions began to display vendors selling all sorts of curriculum designed to instill "purity" in your pre and young teenagers.  (Of course we did not use the word teenager).  No one really told us what "purity" meant, so the collective "we" decided without really talking about it that it meant no sex before marriage.  Most of us came out of a secular dating culture where anything was acceptable, and we knew we did not want that for our children.  The problem was, no one really seemed to know exactly what we were aiming for.  No sex before marriage - fine.  However, what exactly did we want before marriage?  

As with most things, this was yet another issue where the conservative right was determined to be known for what it was against, rather than what it was FOR.  We were against sex before marriage.  Well, ok but .....  God created us, and our children, as sexual beings.  Your tweens and teens ARE going to have crushes, they are going to be attracted to members of the opposite sex - and actually, you want that.  Don't you want them to grow up and get married one day?  Of course you do.  You just don't want them to "test drive" a dozen people before they find the one.  I know.  That's what I wanted too.  After all, Stan and I daily carry around the weight of our relationship mistakes and it is not God's best way to start a marriage.  I get it.

So, I heartily joined the "Purity Movement."  

I clearly remember the day we stood our "tweenage" children in a circle in the church gym during a "purity study" and gave the first little girl a construction paper heart.  She passed it around the circle, skipping all the guys because....well, somehow guys always get a pass on this purity stuff - and every girl tore a little piece off of the heart.  Then "THE" guy who was to be the future husband takes the paper that used to be a heart and holds it up.  It is a ragged, torn, wrinkled piece of nothing.  He dangled it between two fingers as us moms said to our beloved offspring.... "Do you want to give your future husband a whole heart or, or THIS?"  

Friends......

I have no words for the damage that did to my oldest daughter.  I am ashamed, embarrassed, and quite frankly shocked at myself for such a ridiculous illustration.  If you have done this to your children - apologize.  If you still have little ones - think long and hard - LONG and HARD about something like this.

Our God is not the author of shame.  He is the author of redemption.  He takes broken hearts and MAKES THEM WHOLE.  Nothing you have ever done and nothing your children will ever do is beyond His forgiveness or His healing touch.  NOTHING.  

When we set up "purity" as a sin that is irredeemable we are doing nothing but creating a culture of shame and fear.  You want to raise daughters that are confident in who they are in Christ.  You want them to know Him as a loving Father who is powerful and redemptive.  Christ makes us pure, not a list of dos and don'ts.  You do not want them skulking about in the shadows of guilt and shame because they have a crush on their older brother's best friend.  Good grief.  

Friends, you want communication with your children and believe me, you will not get it if they are ashamed.  You will get hiding, lies, and dark of the night internet searches.  They will stop talking to you because you make them feel like they are dirty and not "pure" enough for their future spouse.  They will carry around an undue burden because of emotions, thoughts, and feelings that pop into their heads, and which they will consider "sinful."  All of this and they have never even had a boy or girlfriend.  They will think of sex as dirty and off limits rather than the beautiful and holy thing that God created it to be.  Then, all of a sudden they are supposed to find a spouse, get married, and love sex.  It doesn't work that way.

Let your family be known for what you are FOR.  

In our family, we are for healthy relationships and marriages full of laughter, communication, and amazing, holy, God ordained sex.  Remember, God created this.  The enemy is the one who twisted it into something disgusting.  Don't let him have the upper hand.  

I am so thankful that my oldest daughter is a non-conformist.  Like, truly.  She could not follow a rule without questioning it if her life depended on it.  It has served her, and me, quite well I must say.  She was not about to let this "purity movement" thing go on without an thorough explanation.  Be very careful about teaching your children to think.  They WILL out think you - I can almost guarantee it.  The more we discussed it, the more I realized how devastating it actually is to our children.  Many of her peers from this movement are afraid of relationships, disgusted by the thought of sex and children, and truly damaged.  I am so incredibly humbled that God spared us with minimal damage.  However, Bryce would be the first to be willing to talk about her struggles if it helps someone else.

And her younger siblings are most definitely glad she cut them an easier path.

So, back to my statement at the top.  Bryce and Jacob are both virgins and we are very happy about that.  That begs the question of why are we so happy if I am against the purity movement and what exactly am I teaching our younger ones about sex?

Here's the deal.  God lays out for His children in Scripture His very best.  If He says do something or don't do something, it isn't because He is trying to kill the fun.  On the contrary, He is trying to preserve it.  He is trying to grant us fun the likes of which we can not even fathom.  For that reason alone, I am happy that my daughter and her soon to be husband are going into marriage without the baggage of past sexual partners.  Do I believe sex before marriage is a sin?  Yes, but I do not believe it is an unforgivable one (God, I hope it's not).  I also do not believe it is any different from any other sin that we commit every day without much thought - lying, gossip, anger, envy.  Those things are spoken about in Scripture far more times than sex.  I believe that like everything else God says, He instructs us against sexual sin because it is His very best for us in the long run.  

So, what do we teach our younger children?  Well, we most definitely do not use the torn up heart illustration.  We do not tell them, in words or actions, that God can not redeem the broken hearted.  We teach them about God's design for sex, we model for them a healthy marriage, we are an open book as far as our own sin.  We do not in any way make our children feel that their thoughts or feelings are any different than ones we ourselves have had.  We teach our sons to respect women and our daughters to respect their bodies.  We teach them that relationships are to be taken seriously and that hearts are not to be toyed with.  Communication with your children is imperative.

Yet, above all of that - your children's own personal relationship with Christ is the absolute key.  Friends, this world is sinking to a very base level and it is sinking quickly.  The world tells them that anything goes - and there is not enough parental control software made to truly control their internet usage.  I wish it were different, but let me tell you straight up - they are smarter than you when it comes to technology.  You can't block everything negative from their lives.  Gracious, it would be nice, but it is not possible.  Trust me on this.  Your children have to learn to recognize and repent of their own sin, you can not always be their Holy Spirit.  

My very wise friend and mentor once told me that young teens need enough rope to make non-life altering mistakes, but not enough to hang themselves and have a total moral failure.  It is the only way they learn.  We do not allow "traditional" dating in our young teens.  We allow groups of friends to hang out, go to the movies, come to our home.  We do not encourage "pairing off" until such a time when marriage is in the foreseeable future.  Does this mean they don't have crushes?  Of course not.  All early teenagers have crushes.  This is the time when they are learning to respect each other.  Your sons should take this time to learn to hold doors open, pull out chairs, treat girls with gentleness and kindness, serve together.  Your daughters can learn to expect this from the boys in her life and to respect herself.

So, what is the answer to the "purity" movement?  In my opinion and after lengthy discussions with my daughter, the answer is simple, not easy, but simple.  An awareness of sin in your own life.  She and Jacob have had plenty of opportunities to have sex.  They are 22 and 23 years old.  We do not hover over them all the time; that would be ridiculous.  They have chosen to restrain themselves because they value God's Word above their own desires.  That is a lesson we all need to learn to apply in every single area of life.  They put their own hedges in place, made sure they had accountability, and focused on preparing for their future.

If they had made a mistake?  Then, we would have dusted off and moved forward - forgiven, whole, and redeemed.  And one thing I am forever grateful for, instead of hiding it, she would have confessed it to God for forgiveness and to her daddy and me for accountability, knowing that any sadness we had would have been the same as sadness over any sin and hardship that someone you love is facing.  Not "disappointment" and not anger and not horror.  Once your children are mature adults with their own relationship with Him, their sin is not about you and you have no right to be personally offended by it.  

I know this is not really the popular way to feel about the "purity" movement among believers and goodness not among homeschoolers.  However, trial and error has shown me, and many of my fellow sojourners on this path, that "kissing dating goodbye" might have been just a little bit hasty.  We had good intentions mind you, but you know what they say about those.

Moms of young children, we do not have to manipulate everything.  Train your children to "glorify God and enjoy Him" and to "seek first His Kingdom and His righteousness" and truly, ALL else falls into place.  It does.  

Find Joy in the Journey - life is too short for anything else and GRACE truly is scandalous.

Let's Talk Parenting 101

Despite the fact that I have been at it for 22 years, almost half of my life - I am no parenting expert.  I think that is point number one, so let's jump in.

#1 - There are no experts.

The reason there are no experts is because you are raising little people.  They are not robots, they are not computers, they are not clones, and they are not born desiring to please you.  They have minds, bodies, and souls that are uniquely crafted by God.  They are pre-wired with DNA that He gave them.  He knows what they need - and here's the kicker - He knows what YOU need.  So, he gave your children to you.  For a reason.  No one can parent your children the way you can and there is no 12 step program that is guaranteed to work.  If you can not read a parenting book and take away what you need to apply and shrug off the rest, then take this advice if you don't hear anything else - THROW THE BOOKS AWAY!!!!  

#2 - Slow down and enjoy your children. 

We have six children.  They range in age from 22 down to 3.  So, we have done this - and now we are doing it again.  Here is my not so expert advice.  Slow down.  Yes, the days are long - bedtime looms sometimes.  I know.  I get it.  (I have been known to unashamedly break out the Melatonin just to have an uninterrupted conversation with my husband when he gets home from work).  No judgment here.  However, believe me when I tell you that there will come a day that you would give an actual arm or a leg to have these days back.  The time is fleeting - and let's face it, the world we live in is more than uncertain, it is downright scary.  We are not guaranteed one more second.  Hug them, kiss them, get them another glass of water.  Again and again.  Your dishes will just get dirty again and no one cares if you mopped the floor.  Believe me.  No.one.cares.  But, your five year old will remember that you played one more game of Candyland (or in my son's case Monopoly - grief, we play a lot of Monopoly around here).  Go to the pool and get in!  Put down the phone, snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie, read stack after stack of books.  Be there.  

#3 - Communication.  #4 - Keep it simple.  

If I could say one thing about our success at raising adults - it is this.  Communication.  Let me tell you how our family defines "success" - lest you think I am "tooting" my parenting horn.  If you think that - go back to #1.  In our family, we have only one goal.  In order to describe our one goal, I have combined numbers three and four.  Don't worry, four won't take long.  We want our kids to leave our house with Jesus.  That's it.  Truly, it is that simple.  Our theme verse for our lives is Isaiah 55:13, "And all your children will be taught of the Lord, and great will be the peace of your children."  We pray this for and over them.  We have this printed on our family picture that hangs on our wall.  The Lord brings peace.  Not a parenting book, tactic, or 12-step program.  And bless it all, stress does not bring peace.  

Here is where the communication part comes in - maybe I should have switched three and four.  Oh well, let's carry on.  Jesus does not have a one size fits all plan for everyone's life.  Therefore, when we say we want them to leave with Jesus - we understand that can look as many different ways as there are people.  In our family there are eight of us.  We go in eight different directions most of the time, but if everyone is chasing Jesus - we are happy.  

You must talk to your children and help them learn to hear His voice for themselves.  Talk to them often and about anything.  Do not let them shock you.  As they get older they will try.  We believe that learning for everyone takes place in three stages - the logic stage, the dialectic stage and the rhetoric stage.  When your children are young and in the logic stage, they just need the facts.  You need to talk to them, help them learn, spend time just being there with them and listen.   As they reach those "middle school" years they are in the dialectic stage.  They are starting to figure the world out on their own.  You have to listen more than you talk.  Let them share with you.  (Again, remember, not to be shocked).  Ask lots of questions and let them participate in decision making.  Give them some rope.  As my friend and mentor says "Enough to make non-life altering mistakes, but not enough to hang themselves."  By age 16 or so they are in the rhetoric stages.  Your day to day job of telling little people what to do is done.  I will never forget years ago talking to a fellow mom who asked me what time my 16 year old goes to bed.  Upon my look of confusion, she said, "I mean, I make my son brush his teeth at 8:30 and start his bedtime routine."  Mamas, you do not tell your 16 year old when to brush his teeth.  Cavities are non life altering learning tools.  He will figure it out.  

When we look around at the other kids our older ones grew up with, the ones who are the most settled in life are the ones who grew up in families with great communication.  We home school our children as do most of our friends, so we got to see families in their real and raw environs.  Let me tell you - people are quirky - us included.  Most of us ran the gamut of "philosophies" when we first started home schooling.  We tried everything as did most of our friends.  I am so thankful that we abandoned all of the "step by step" philosophies early on and stuck to the basics.  "Leave with Jesus."  Communication is the KEY.  I will always stand by that.  Let them talk to you.  Let them work out how they feel and what they think about social issues and current events.  Let them disagree with you.  Remember, you are raising adults.  Thinking adults.  That is what you want.  You do not want a little clone of yourself.  You can do better than that.  You want your kids to be better than you - at marriage, at parenting, at life.  You want them to be unafraid and unashamed.  Let them ask the hard questions.  Jesus can take it.  Be sure that you can.  

Our oldest is getting married in just three short weeks.  I have a lot to say about that, but I will let her get to the alter first.  

Mamas - slow down and smell the roses.  Seriously, life is too short for stressing about things that won't matter in thirty years.  Enjoy your babies!!!!  

       

Mother's Day

Twenty-two years ago I became a Mom.  Mother's Day takes on a whole new meaning at that point.  I believe that Mother's Day is a day to celebrate all women, because women are nurturing by nature and whether or not someone calls you "Mommy" you matter, and the investments you make into the lives of others count.  I know though that for those struggling with infertility, or the loss of a child - or for my single mom friends, this is a very hard day.  I am so sorry for the pain you are in and the reminders that are particularly hard this weekend.

There are another group of ladies for whom this weekend is painful and bittersweet.  They are largely forgotten and until you are personally invested with one of these amazing ladies, you don't realize the depth of their emotion.  I am referring to the birth moms.

Six years ago I sat in a "crunchy" organic cafe in the art district of a metropolitan city and ate a spinach salad with my Patrick's birth mom.  Then she handed me "our" baby, all five pounds of him, and she walked away.  That was one of the most profound moments of my life.  Despite the mistakes she made in her life leading up to his birth, she managed - with God's help - to keep him safe for nine months.  She held him close to her heart then and for the nine days following his birth.  She rocked him, she sang to him, and he knew her voice.  Then she did something that quite frankly, I don't think I would have the courage to do.  She chose a life for him that she could not provide, despite the pain in her own heart.  She is a hero.  

Less than three months ago another profound moment occurred when we stood in a large room with over 40 friends who had become family in a miraculously short time - and watched 14 orphanage directors walk in with our new children.  We held Jeremiah in our arms that day after an 11 month paper pregnancy that left me as weak and spent as any delivery has ever done.  When I looked in his eyes, I thought immediately of his birth mom.   Short of a miracle, I will  never get to share a salad with this one.  I will never get to tell her that her baby boy, the one she loved and cherished for five whole months, is happy.  That he is healthy and that his medical needs are being addressed.  We can only assume that she could not provide what he needed medically and so she let him go.  Despite being in a country where letting him go was illegal and had to be done in secret - she risked everything to do what was best for her baby, knowing she would never lay eyes on him again.  Would I have that kind of courage?  I am going to be honest and say that I am not sure I would.  That is true sacrificial love.  The kind that makes my heart squeeze with emotion.

These two women birthed my children.  My beloved sons.  The magnitude of that is crazy huge.  Because of these women they have characteristics, mannerisms, and talents that have nothing to do with Stan or me.  Yet, we get to nurture those.  We get to watch them become all that God has for them.  It isn't fair.  Not at all.  It is hard and I just want to wrap these women up in a hug and tell them how very sorry I am that life is not fair and at the same time how very grateful I am for the precious gifts they left to us.  Yet, I can't do that.  Circumstances do not allow me to be able to do that with either one - and the further down this path I get, the fear that once accompanied the thought of adoption, is replaced by a longing that can only come from God Himself.  A longing that I could sit over a cup of tea with my children's first mommies.  That I could hug them tight and tell them all about "our" boys.  The knowledge that there is a "village."  Not the village that some people want us to buy into, but a sisterhood.  A village of mamas who only want what is best for these children that God has given - no matter what the circumstances.  Their births were not accidents or surprises to Him.  Their lives matter - to each of us, to the world.  We only want to get this right and it takes all of us, for these women are part of my children.  Their blood, not mine, flows in their veins.  And that matters.  It matters, for the men they grow into will be because of both of us.  And there is a time and a place when our worlds collided - and even if I never get to see them again (or ever), our worlds will forever be united.  We will forever both fiercely love the same little boys, who will one day be men. The magnitude of God's great and awesome ability to weave HIStory together into something so gloriously messy and beautiful never ever ceases to amaze me.  And the fact that He is allowing me to be just a tiny part of that tapestry is nothing short of a miracle.

Last night Stan and I watch a new documentary called Closure on Netflix.  It is the story of a 25 year old adoptee finding her birth mom and dad for the first time.  I won't give any of it away to you, because you should watch it.  I just sat and cried because recently God has been replacing what used to be a fear in my heart, with a longing.  A longing to watch my world collide with the worlds of my sons' birth families.  Three worlds that could not be more different.  I can picture myself around a tea table in China with the lady who gave birth to Jeremiah.  I can see myself at a large backyard barbecue with Patrick's birth family.  I can see us crying together and laughing at the amazing, awe inspiring God who did this thing in our families.  I long for the day.

So - even though I am a day late posting this - Happy Mother's Day to us all.  Women who invest in others, women who have loved and lost, women who have loved in the gap, women with wayward children, single moms, grandmothers, counselors, encouragers -- we all matter.  It is cliche to say that they hand that rocks the cradle rules the world - but friends, I believe it does.  We can raise warriors, no matter where they started or how rough their beginnings were.  And though most of us have no desire to "rule" the world - I have yet to meet a mama who doesn't want to change the world we are leaving for our children.

We have the power, with God's help, to lay down our lives for that very cause.

Happy Mother's Day!!!!

Journey to Jeremiah - Part 3 - We Gotcha Baby Boy!

The morning dawned early for all of us.  Too excited to sleep, we all went to breakfast.  Someone had suggested that we get together to pray before we left to get the babies.  We were to leave at 9:30 and the babies would arrive at the registration office sometime before 12:30, depending on when they left their orphanages.  About six or seven families (some missed the "memo" and did not realize we were getting together) met in the lobby for the prayer time.  We dragged our chairs into a tight circle and huddled together, heads bowed - not completely unaware of the fact that the huge bubble camera attached to the ceiling above us was watching and likely recording every word.  We started out sharing our thoughts, our fears, what was going through our minds here at the last hour.  Then we took turns praying.  Corporate prayer is such a powerful thing.  Obviously God hears and responds to every prayer we utter or even think, but where two or more are gathered the Spirit falls in a unique and powerful way.  We prayed for our children of course, for each other, the other children we brought with us, for adoption in general, for China - the country we had come to dearly love - for the nannies and foster mommies who had loved on our babies in the interim, for their birth Mamas.  We prayed for the tragic circumstances that our precious ones had faced to bring them to this point.  Our hearts were full to bursting with excitement, joy, anticipation - their hearts were about to break.  We felt the full weight of that knowledge in that moment and it was beautiful and it was messy, and it hurt.  God had given each of us the most amazing responsibility - the responsibility to raise another one of His children and point them back to Him.  None of us gathered in that room that morning took that lightly.

We left for the Registration office, where we were to meet the orphanage directors and nannies that would bring us our children.  Jeremiah's orphanage was about three hours away, so I did not expect that he would be there when we arrived.  Our large group all received our children together, but we were divided for bus rides, even when we were going to the same place.  This is a picture of us with the six other families that we were with the majority of the time.

It was Monday, February 15th in China, but in the US it was Sunday evening, the 14th.  Valentine's Day.  Clearly, the best one any of us had ever had.  What better day to receive the gift that represents the very heart of the gospel - the very definition of Love itself?  

We walked up those concrete stairs and through the front door, armed with bags of "distractions."  Hand held toys, cars, dolls, stacking blocks and lollipops.  Lots of lollipops.  It looked like any other government building and a dim hallway led to the "Gotcha" Room.  It was just a large room with a few chairs lining the edges.  The nannies or orphanage directors would bring the kids there to meet us.

As I knew it would, our Gotcha was not like anything I had imagined.  Mostly because I totally and completely jumped the gun and ran away with it.  We were coming down the hall en masse with our group, having been warned over and over by our guides that most likely none of the kids would be there yet and not to worry or be anxious.  They would all make it.  Because patience is not my virtue, I peeked through the crowd into the room and I looked down.  And there he was.  All I remember is yelling over my shoulder to Stan and the kids, "Jeremiah is already here!"  And I pushed through the crowd.  

I didn't mean to.  I didn't think about it.  But, I saw him and I just couldn't stop myself.  I squatted down right in front of him.  I don't recall seeing the orphanage director or anyone else for a few minutes.  

Then everyone else saw what was going on and pushed forward.  And they just jumped on him.  I keep imagining that he actually recognized us, thanks to all of "Aunt" Carol's hard work showing him pictures of us so often.  He didn't cry and after checking me out for just a couple of seconds, he broke into a huge grin.  His orphanage buddy, Louie, who also lived with Jeremiah at Shanghai Healing Home (more on that) was also there.  Everyone else in our group just jumped in there and started snapping pictures and making videos.  We had vowed to help each other capture as many moments as we could.  At that moment, I could not see anyone except Jeremiah and the rest of my family as they gathered around him.

It was surreal really, I don't know how else to put it.  It was a day that I had dreamed so much about, worked so hard for.  I had tried to prepare for it, but you never really can.  The emotions are completely overwhelming.  And being in a room filled with other people experiencing the same thing made every emotion intensified.  I used to be a very private person.  I like being alone.  When I was younger, I never wanted to talk to older women - I didn't want a mentor.  I didn't want to open up to anyone.   I just wanted to be inside my own head, to work it out alone.  As I have gotten older, I have found that you miss so much by not sharing life's personal moments and struggles with others.  We are all broken.  God sent me my first mentor about 12 years ago, and having her in my life has taught me that I need my sisters in Christ.  Stan needs his brothers.  We need people that we can share life's joys and heartaches with - God created us to live in community.

So, a community "delivery room" is about the best explanation I can think of for the Gotcha Day scenario when you have a large group like we did.  We would stare at our babies - still a bit in disbelief that the long anticipated day had come - hug them, and then carry them around the room to snap pictures and ooh and aah over our friend's babies.  For two hours we watched the children come in, we heard the cries and the laughter.  We took thousands of pictures and videos.  We laughed and cried with each other.  We took in the emotion of the reactions of others.  Some people laughed when they first saw their babies, some gave shy smiles and patiently waited for the children to make the first move, some barreled into it with no reservation (that was mostly the kids), some broke down in sobs, and some people literally fell to their knees - praising God and absolutely overcome.  It was a beautiful, glorious picture of heaven.  It was just a sliver of what that glorious day will look like.  When our faith culminates and all of our hopes become our reality.  Gotcha Day is just a little like that.  And I believe God was smiling.

By noon the last of the children had arrived.  We gathered our things and our new little ones and headed back to the buses.  Then began the work of bonding.  Grief is no joke.  And make no mistake, these kids are grieving.  But, they are tough and courageous.  They are made of the stuff of heroes.  Next post I will talk about the bonding process and how that has looked for our family.  It is so different for everyone and really nothing that can be predicted.  I do think that many people in the adoption world today are not prepared for the intensity of the grieving process and often give up too soon.  These precious souls have faced tragedies the likes of which most of us can not comprehend.  They are wounded.  But, they are oh so resilient.  So incredibly brave.  They fight for a fresh start and we have the holy opportunity to fight with and for them.  It is a privilege and an honor that we are so very grateful God has given to our family.  Thank you for reading and for being a part of our journey. Your prayers, your support, your love for our kids mean more than you can ever begin to know.

Teach Them to Fish

I became a parent at 20.  Yep, Twen-TY.  To twins.  Surprise twins.  As in, "uh oh, there's another one" in the delivery room twins.  I celebrated my 21st birthday as a single mom with two 7 month olds.  To say I was woefully unprepared is the understatement of the century.

The past 22 years have been a lesson in learning for all of us - sometimes a very hard lesson.  I am now the mother of six that range in age from 3 to 22.   I have written a lot about parenting from a spiritual standpoint, but I have never really written much about it from a practical view.  Mostly because I am a hot mess and no one that you really want to take housekeeping or pragmatic organizational tips from.  Believe me.

However, I recently keep encountering people who are totally in shock that my kids do their own laundry and that they can cook meals.  Like total shock.

So, I have a few things to say.  Take it or leave it - but, I recommend you take it because it will free you up some extra time.  

 Your kids are more capable than you think they are.

They are.  Don't let them fool you by sleeping in until 10:00 on the weekends and dragging around moaning that we have "noooo food around here" - even after you just spent $200 at the grocery store. What you bought was "ingredients" - which now must be turned into food on the plate.  They can do that.  I promise.  

I cook dinner every night.  Every.night.  I mean, who knew they would want to eat so often??   And in the mornings I usually sauté a pan of chicken sausage and spinach or put on a pot of oatmeal - I do have little ones, and I promise I do feed them.  Lunch, I make the littles a sandwich or heat up something that is leftover.  But, if the big kids want more than a sandwich, then they know where the kitchen is.  I do not have time to cook three meals a day for 8 people.  Not and accomplish anything else.  So, I taught my kids to cook.  Even my five year old can make simple things that don't need the stove or a sharp knife.  By the time they are 10 though, good grief, they can make a five course dinner!  Homemade.  So could yours.  My kids make the yummiest things.  Homemade soups from scratch, baked goods from scratch, all sorts of recipes that they come up with own their own.  

How did I teach them?  Mostly I had them watch me and we talked about it.  I am amazed at how many people don't talk to their kids.  I let them choose what to cook, and help me shop for the ingredients.  Then if there was something I didn't know how to make, well....Google.  Or even better if you are a visual learner - YouTube.  You can watch anything being prepared step by step on YouTube.   Truly, Moms - free yourself up a little.  Assign lunch or dinner to a different child once a week.  Everyone benefits - and their future spouses will thank you.

Next up - laundry.  Seriously - you do your children's laundry???  Don't you know that is why they throw clean clothes in the hamper?  I know it is why I did.  It is like living at Downton - you take the clothes off and wad them up and voila, wake up the next morning and they are washed and folded and back in your drawers.  Sorry kids - this ain't Downton.   When my kids turn 8, they do their own laundry.  I make sure they all have hampers in their rooms and then I give them each a day.  If your day is Tuesday, then no one else can wash that day and you have until 5:00 to wash and dry ALL of your clothes.  If you choose not to do that, well, you best turn your underwear inside out, cause you are not washing again until next Tuesday.  You don't have to enforce that but once, believe me.  

So, cooking and laundry are the biggest things - at least for me.  Think of the free time you could have.  Of course, I also make sure my kids know how to clean things - toilets, floors, windows.  Don't let your kids grow up helpless - you are raising adults, not children.  Society needs them to be able to function.  And as a side note, if you use non-toxic cleaning products (I can set you up with some of those), then you can start really young with the cleaning.  Patrick loves to wash dishes and spray cleaner all over the counters.  He empties the silverware from the dishwasher and he folds the washcloths.  Now, my 14 year old doesn't love doing dishes anymore, but he can - and his wife will be glad.  

Finally, taking out the trash.  At our house, this is always the job of the boy between about 12-16 or so.  Josh is so glad he graduated from that job, and Graham laments the fact that Patrick is eight years younger than him, so he still has a while to go.  Anyway, getting the garbage out of the house is one thing - I find myself way too often opening the kitchen trash to throw something away and yelling, "Graaaaham!!!!!"  We're still working on that one.  Getting it to the street on trash days is something else though.  We have anywhere from 8-10 people that LIVE here all the time, plus countless visitors.  Missing the trash day around here is a catastrophe.  Funny story..... not long ago, Graham forgot the trash, woke up from a deep sleep, jumped up and literally ran down our long driveway dragging the ridiculously full can behind him.  The truck was at our neighbor's house and slowly moving towards our house.  Graham picked up the pace, the can bumping off the ground behind him - picture it.  The driver saw him coming and busted out laughing.  But, he stopped and waited and the crisis was averted.  

Now, you may wonder why Graham was so concerned about missing it.  Was it because it smells, it climbs the walls, and overflows out of the can - creating an aesthetics nightmare in our garage?  No.  It is because if you miss the trash day, the fine is $25.  I learned that from a friend when Josh was young.  We usually remind them the night before and they usually say, "I'll do it."  And then, they are apt to not.  I learned that a fine of 5 bucks just wasn't cutting it.  It was worth it to them to be lazy and pay 5 bucks.  Until a friend one day said, "Oh no, you have to make them feel it."  So - the fine went up.  It killed me - KILLED me to take $25 from my child the first time.  But, they are smart cookies - it only took once.  Now - voila, trash is always at the street on time.  Sometimes barely, in Graham's case - but, he has always loved to live on the edge!  

That's all I've got parents.  We are a hot mess most of the time - but these things do help and they prepare your child for the real world.  No one likes a helpless adult - making sure you raise responsible citizens is your job.  The time saved is your bonus.  Get to it!  

Good, Bad, and Grace

Jep and Jessica Robertson wrote a book called The Good, the Bad, and the Grace of God.  The reason I am starting this post off with that statement is because I do not want to be accused of "copying" their book title.  Even though I kind of did.  I haven't read the book yet (I love many of the other books written by the Dynasty members, but they keep churning them out so quickly).  Anyway, I have had so much to say for a while now and this progression keeps coming back to me.

I had a good childhood (I would even call it great, but "great" wasn't in the title).   I grew up in a small town where it was considered safe to "run the streets" with my friends.  I had two loving parents who are still together after 44 years of marriage - wow, y'all, that is huge.  I had loving grandparents who I spent lots of quality time with.  My sister and I were and are, very close.  I was sort of popular I guess.  With the advent of Facebook, I now have old school friends tell me they thought I was "sweet" and "caring" in school.  I do not deserve those compliments, though I am glad that is the impression I gave off.  I think I was mostly considered a "good girl"  - though again, I know the truth and that is a title that is grossly undeserved.  We went to church, ate dinner together every night, my sister and I stayed away from drugs.  You know, the usual "good" stuff.  

Then came the bad.  I will spare you the details and drama - I have blogged about much of it before and the rest I would just as soon leave in its proper place.  It was a lesson, it is not my life.  The short version is, "there was this boy"...... all "bad" stories start this way don't they?  Anyway, teenage pregnancy, shotgun wedding, quick divorce.  I am not proud of it, but it is the truth and we are getting to the best part.  

The GRACE.   Oh, the grace.  From the moment I met my husband Stan, in 1994, God has been weaving a grace story.  A story that is miraculous from its conception.  Again, I have blogged a lot about that, so if you want to know more about our personal story, you can read here.  

I want this post to be about HIM.  The amazing, awe inspiring God who loves us even though He has absolutely no reason to do so.  A God who gives us good things - no matter how they are packaged - when we trust Him completely.  A God who is the author of a story that transcends time and space and who just wants us to not fear, and let it unfold.  This is the God who I want to write about today.  The God that I want you to know for yourself.  If you have ever read anything I have written you know that over the past few years I have come to believe that the American "church" has totally underestimated God's heart.  As Jen Hatmaker says in her book Interrupted - we have "colossally missed the point."  For far too long we have been told by some denominations that "all" we have to do is walk an aisle, pray a prayer, and voila we have "accepted" Jesus into our heart.  Life is good, heaven is the destination.   Other denominations have fallen off the horse on the other side and said that the "chosen" are automatically on a one way ride to the pearly gates - do whatever you want, eat drink and be merry, heaven awaits if you are "chosen."  

Well..... as usual, the truth lies somewhere in the middle.  The truth lies in between the pages of only one Book.  The truth is that though I do believe that Scripture is clear about the elect, I also believe that we have a responsibility to live the way Jesus lived and we have the freedom to decide whether we do that or not.  Perfectly?  Of course not.  But, if we are going to become more like Jesus we have to love what He loved.  You know what Jesus loved?  The answer is simple and very clear if you read the Bible.  Jesus loved people.  All people.  He loved people who loved Him and He loved the ones who didn't.  In fact, as far as I can tell the only people He didn't love (well, that's harsh, I am sure he loved them), but the only ones He didn't seem to like very much were the "church" folk.  The ones who took the moral high ground when it came to actually and physically loving other people.  The ones who prayed things like "Thank God I am not like that sinner over there."  Yeah....we have all met those people, crap, we have all been those people. 

One of my favorite bloggers shared a FB status the other day where she said the "f" word and all of the church people came out of the woodwork to pour forth their opinions about her salvation.  (You know what they say about opinions don't you??)  Now, personally, I am not really a fan of the "f" word, or of foul language in general.  I don't say it a lot - but, let's be honest, there are just those occasions that nothing else fits.  Her response went something like this.  For those of you "alarmed" that a christian said the "f" word, here is what is truly alarming....the foster system is overflowing, men and women are addicted to porn, divorce rates are climbing, there are millions of orphans - and to top it all off, one of the actual most alarming things is the "church's" most "alarming" ability for selective indignation .  

Friends, our God sent His son to DIE on a cross in order that we may come to Him in perfect relationship.  He sent His son to DIE that we might live forever.  And live forever does not start in heaven - it starts when His Kingdom comes ON EARTH.  It starts when we push back the powers of darkness in the name of Jesus Christ.  It starts when we fight back.  When we care about the things that Jesus cared about.  When we are His hands and feet - loving on people that are unlovable.  People that are dirty, foul, and mean.  Children that don't behave just right because they have had to fend for themselves their entire lives.  Babies that are not physically "perfect."  This is our only right response to the sacrifice He made.  Not repeating a rote prayer.  Not walking an aisle and making a show of some religious fervor that peters out the second God requires something of us.  These things do not save.  They do not impress God.  God made real sacrifices for our salvation - how dare we - how DARE we reduce them to religious behavior.  He made it clear what pure religion is, "Pure religion in the sight of God is this - to love orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself unstained by the world."  To love orphans and widows.  To love the most vulnerable among us.  What if this is truly it???  What if this is truly "all" it takes??  What if we have colossally missed the freaking point????  

When we stand before God one day to give an account I believe with all of my heart that the excuses we hand Him about why we did not give a cup of cold water in His name are NOT going to fly.  Friends, life on mission is down and dirty work.  It is hard.  It is draining.  In it there is really no room for selfishness and excuses.  You must die to those things every single day.  But, the blessings are endless.  I will never ever for the life of me understand why every single person who calls themselves a follower of Christ does not want the blessing of at least one adopted child.  Just think, if we all adopted one - there would not be any left.  And I know that there are those with extenuating circumstances - I know some of you.  I see you, I pray for you, I know your heart's desire - I am not talking to you - your time IS coming, friend.  I will never understand how people who claim to be followers of Christ say things like "I am not donating to an adoption fund, if you can't afford it, you shouldn't do it."  (Yes, that's a real thing)  I will never for the life of me understand someone who claims Christ and then who degrades a homeless person, tells them to just "get a job."  (Yes, that too is a real thing)  

Do people take advantage of you when you are vulnerable like this?  Do birth moms scam adoptive families?  Do homeless people buy alcohol with the money you gave them?  Do orphanage directors traffick the children in their charge?  Yes, yes, and yes.  We live in a fallen world - the enemy of our souls is the "prince of this realm."  But, he does not win the war.  God wins.  Grace wins.  We will lose battles, we will suffer injuries and insults.  We will have set backs.  But, we.will.not.lose.  And we must not stop fighting.  

So friends - please consider your relationship with Christ.  My heart is for you to KNOW Him.  Truly and intimately.  He loves you.  He died so you might be FREE.  But, there is a right response.  Not to earn salvation - never.  That was a free gift.  But if you truly have been called by His name, you must live like it.  There is a day that we will give an account.  Not for how much money we earned, not for how big our house was, not even for how much money we "unsacrifically" donated to a charity.  But, for how we lived every single day.  It matters how we live.

Matthew 25

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. 34 Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, 36 I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’37 Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? 38 And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? 39 And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ 40 And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers,[f] you did it to me.’

⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ ⁴⁴ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ ⁴⁵ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’ ⁴⁶ And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

Eyes to See

My family dynamic is changing.  While we still have little ones, our kids are not all little anymore.  More often than not I feel out of control and like my life is flying past me.  I long for the days when I knew where everyone was all of the time because I controlled where everyone was, and everyone was under eight years old.  I long for the days snuggled up on the sofa, eating popcorn and reading stacks of books.  I long for the rainy afternoons and the excitement of watching a movie with mom.  Those days are gone.  Now we have fiancés and wedding planning, college, drivers permits, puberty, and graduations.  We will very soon have sons in law, grandchildren, and another adoption.  None of these are bad things.  In fact, they are all very very good things.  Just change.  And it is hard.

It is easy to long for what once was instead of embracing what is now.  I spend too much time dwelling on my failures.  Did my five year old spend too much time playing on the computer today?  Did my teenager and I have another argument?  Do my kids argue too much?  Do we laugh enough?  Did we sit down to a meal together this week?

These are the things that I spend my time on.  These things eat away at me.  Because you know what?  Like you, I want to get this right.  I know there are some things in life that you just don't get a second chance at.  I know that there are times when tragedy strikes and I want NO regrets.  None.  I want laughter and fun.  I want long days at the park and snuggles on the couch.  I want days free of electronics and laughter around the kitchen table.  I know that you do too.

But, life is not really like that.  It is a series of ups and downs.  There really are no constants.  It is alive and vibrant and highly charged.  Emotions run the gamut in mere hours around here.  And the truth is, I am a mess.  I am highly unorganized, I pretty much suck at home schooling - even though I love the lifestyle with all of my heart.  We have not done half the things I planned, I am an inconsistent disciplinarian.  My younger son is mostly out of control as is my laundry.  My housekeeping skills are non-existent, and I rarely follow through on any of my "threats" to get our chaos organized.

Here is the deal though.  As I looked around my house tonight here is what I saw.  First, crumbs and dishes.  So many crumbs and dishes.  More importantly though, I saw laughter.  I saw my family and some friends who are in town - and they were laughing, playing cards, drinking wine.  Yes, our feral five year old was climbing the plantation shutters and jumping down onto the sofa, so there's that.  I sat for a minute and remembered the day.  Not the too much computer part or the arguing part.  Not the part where I wonder if my kids will make it through life because I am sure I have done something to land them in the therapist's office. 

I focused on what is going to matter in 30 years.  The laughter, the card games, the chocolate I let them eat at bedtime, the sticky kisses.  The news they couldn't wait to share with me at midnight.  The discussions around the table.  The friends we opened our home to.  The food we cooked together and the pop of the wine corks.  The stroll through the Farmer's Market every Saturday morning and sharing a home made cookie.

 My teenagers hold my hand and walk with their arms around me - in public.  My five year old tells me he loves me - literally three or four times an hour.  Our children give up their bedrooms a few times a year for weeks at a time for us to host families who come out to adopt babies through our orphan advocacy ministry.  They do this with loving and compassionate hearts and mostly no complaining.  They have shown absolutely nothing but pure excitement during our current adoption process.  Twenty-somethings who are giddy over adopting a three year old , bringing their sibling number to six and counting, are not the norm in our culture, I am sure of that. 

I am so incredibly humbled by what God has blessed me with.  I do not deserve it. 

My prayer is that I can stop focusing on the parts where I feel like I fail and start stepping back to get a better view of the big picture.  What will matter in 30 years?  The answer is, absolutely none of the things I negatively dwell on.  Only what is done for Christ will remain - faith, hope and love.  Laughter, memories, and traditions.  Games, jumping on the bed, and reading stacks of books past bedtime.  Late night chats and popcorn.  Snuggling on the couch, watching family movies, and dinner around the table. 

God give me the wisdom to see what is right in front of me.

Ask Him

When we adopted Patrick five years ago, Stan and I traveled to AZ to get him and to finish the necessary paperwork.  (We lived in FL at the time).  We were in the state for ten days, staying in a hotel.  Of course, there are only so many hours in a day that you can sit in a hotel room, even with a nine day old baby.  So my germophobic self had to get over it, wrap him up where no one could touch him (I'm not kidding) and head out and about town for a few hours every day.  

Always someone would ask about the baby.  I did not really intend to tell everyone we met that we were adopting a baby, but it is really odd to see a woman, who does not appear to have just given birth, walking around with a days old baby.  Then, folks would say the inevitable, "Where are you from?" - because y'all, I left the south 20 years ago, but it has not left me.  When I would say Florida - the looks were crazy, because we were in Arizona with a five pound newborn.  So, of course I had to explain - and you all know that it is NO trouble to me at all to tell about adoption and how awesome it is!!  

What broke my heart though were the comments about the older kids.  It did not only happen once, it happened almost every single time.  The person would say, "Oh, is this your first baby?"  Then, I would look at them like they were crazy, because again y'all - I know my hubby looks A-MAZING (even if I may be a bit biased) but seriously, we are far from 25.  But, I guess people are having their first babies later and later these days.  Anyway, I would reply, "Oh no, he is our fifth."  To which you can imagine the looks and comments that followed.  But, the saddest part was when I would share that we had two 16 year olds.  Every single person said, "Oh my gosh, aren't they mad?"  

MAD?!?!?

There were so many emotions that my kids would have used to describe their feelings during our adoption.  SO many.  But, MAD????  

Friends, if we are raising children who would be mad about God calling their family into the world of adoption, no matter how old they are - there is a problem.  And there most certainly is a problem.  We only have to look around us at the lovers of self, haters of responsibility, entitled group of people that populate our world.  But, as followers of Jesus Christ - how DARE we?  In the Scriptures, Luke tells us that "To those whom much is given, much is expected."  Spiderman says it too, "With great power, comes great responsibility."   

My teenagers were ecstatic.  In fact, we sat in our hotel room the majority of the hours every day with our computer open to a live Skype page where our kids could watch Patrick sleep all day.  We all sat with tears streaming because we were not together for those ten days.  Patrick came home on Lyndsey's 12th birthday, and though we tried to celebrate her that day, she ONLY had eyes for her new brother.  Good gracious, she never gave a thought to her birthday celebration.  And she certainly was not mad or jealous or even a speck upset.  She was thrilled!!!  They all were.  Adding children to your family should not subtract anything - it should only multiply.

My older kids have stated over and over and over (as have the older children of all of our friends who have adopted or given birth to a second "set") - that having these babies during their teen years is freeing.  It takes their minds off of themselves and their "issues."  Adoption helps you see the big picture a little bit clearer.  Your acne issues take a back seat to a child without a mom or dad, and visiting an orphanage in a foreign country kind of puts your "problems" into a little bit of perspective.  I am not downplaying the teen years - well, maybe I am a little - don't you wish you could shake your 16 year old self and scream "Get over him, he is NOT the one!" and these things you think are the end of the world will not even be a distant memory in ten years, they will be absolutely nothing.  The best IS yet to come, but the teen years seem so huge and looming.  

Yet, just a little perspective goes a long way.  Babies and toddlers lend perspective if nothing else.  They are not respecters of privacy and they are quite selfish themselves.  However, they have a sixth sense about when you just need a hug and when they grip your face in their chubby hands and pull you towards them for a sweet sweet kiss, everything else fades.  And you have never seen anything as precious as a toddler and his 17 year old brother building a block house together.  Patrick adores his siblings.  He makes them laugh.  He has been the one who has gotten our family through our cross country move - which has been difficult.  Every one of them has said that they have no idea what would have happened if we had not had Patrick.  

God knew.  

There is never a morning that I don't wake up, look at his sleepy bed head next to mine on the pillow and thank God that we did not miss this.

Below is Patrick playing "Duck Duck Goose" on campus with Joshua and his friends.  These are 21 year old men, who love and invest in our son.  They want us to visit, they want us to bring Patrick and they genuinely enjoy him.  Friends, THIS is the way it should be.  

And we are not great people, or even nice people all of the time.  We are just a family.  That's it.  We love each other, but we are so very far from perfect.  We fight, we stumble, we grumble and we have our moments of pure selfishness.  But, at the end of the day - we know that God makes the BEST plans.  He does.

Ask Him what He has for you.  It may just be a "who" instead of a "what" and it may just change your life.

Hard Stuff

This post is not about answers.  I don't have any.  Instead this one is about resources.  I have been reading lots of books about adopting an "older" child that I had not read before our first adoption.  I wish I had read them before.  

I have fallen in love with Karen Purvis and her ministry Empowered to Connect.   She has a lot of free webinars and other resources on her website and her book The Connected Child is absolutely full of practical information.  It is through this book that I have realized that even newborn adoption does not guarantee trauma free.  I have learned that even our biological kids are not exempt from the ramifications of stress and cellular memory.  Our bodies remember.  Bryan Post at The Post Institute also offers some amazing information and practical advice through his books and seminars.  

These two are my absolute favorite.  What they say makes sense to me.  As ignorant as I have been on the subject, I had no idea when I first read their books that what they say flies in the face of traditional attachment advice.  To me it is perfectly logical that if you have a child who is hoarding food, then obviously that child has a fear of being hungry.  Sometimes that is a perfectly rational fear, depending on their background.  Sometimes the fear may be irrational, but it takes varying amounts of time for children to learn to trust - and if you struggle with fear, like I do - then you know that even irrational fears can be absolutely paralyzing.  And to a child who either can not or is not comfortable yet communicating their fears, then they act out the only way they know how.  They hoard and then get very angry when confronted.  Punishment will not work.  Taking away meals will not work.  Padlocking the pantry will not work.  Informing them of your family rules and reiterating how grateful they should be for three squares daily will not work.  (Yes, these are real things recommended by some attachment specialists.)  

Dr. Purvis and Bryan Post both give very practical information in their materials about these and other issues that we face when parenting children from hard places.  And these same techniques often work wonders with our biological children as well - because sometimes stresses occur that are simply beyond our control during pregnancy and delivery.  

As I said, I have no answers - all I have is encouragement and if you haven't read books by these two authors, then I highly recommend them.  

People will not understand the way you discipline (or in their opinion, don't discipline).  If you were raised, as I was, in an area where "that boy needs his tail spanked" is the answer for everything, then people will shake their heads at you.  Let me be the first to say - as unpopular as the notion is in our culture - I am not always opposed to spanking, IF it is done without anger.  However, when parenting children from difficult places or parenting children with cellular stresses, spanking is simply ineffective and all it does is cause more anger.  So, since this is a public blog and I don't know who reads it - and I am already on too many "lists" to count because of our views on healthcare, I want to state that we do not spank our children.  Even though our son was adopted as a newborn, he has a very strong response to pain.  Whether he falls down and skins his knees or whether someone accidentally bumps into him and knocks him down - pain causes an immediate anger response in him.  This is very common in newborn adoption or children who have had trauma during pregnancy or delivery.  There are scientific reasons behind this - usually dealing with cortisol levels and other stress hormones that we all deal with being "dumped" into their bodies in utero.  I will spare you the science - it really doesn't matter how we got here, what matters is how we move forward.  

It is a long road.  You do not "outgrow" cellular stress, you must must must heal it.  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  We have seen amazing strides with our five year old's listening and obedience skills since we started implementing some of the techniques recommended from these two specialists.  He is quicker now to take a deep breath when he gets hurt, he is quicker to recover if he does lose his temper, and best of all he is more in tune with his relationship with Christ.  Yes, he is only five, but he is DEEP.  He blows me away with his capacity to understand grace and mercy and love.  

So, if you are struggling with a child from a hard place - be encouraged.  You are not alone.  There are resources.  There are people dedicated to pouring their lives into figuring out what works and finding true healing.  We have seen lots of physical and emotional results using essential oils as well. They support cellular health and true healing from the inside out.  Friends - God has supplied ALL that we need to get through each day - one at a time.  But, I will never be the one to tell you that "love is enough."  I have seen kids who are loved unconditionally that never respond to that love.  Kids whose parents have loved - and it was not enough.  We live in a world spiraling crazy out of control.  Some of these kids have been through things that I can't bring myself to even contemplate.  They have learned to cope and sometimes those coping mechanisms are things we can't wrap our minds around.

  I have a confession to make that I have never before made publicly.  I know I am not the only one, but still it is embarrassing.  I pick my finger and toe nails and the skin around them.  I pick at them until they throb. It drives my husband absolutely crazy.  I have talked to my mentors about this, godly women who pour into my life like no counselor ever could - not particularly about the fact that I pick my nails, but about the root of why I do it.  Sometimes I inflict this minor pain on myself for the same reasons that teenagers "cut."  It masks the emotional pain.  The problem for me though is that the emotional pain I am trying to cover up is not anything that is happening to me.  I am not in an abusive marriage - in fact, my husband is one of the most godly men I have ever known.  I do not have wayward children - all of my children know the Lord intimately and live their callings out daily - they inspire me.  The pain that I sometimes simply can not deal with at a particular moment is the pain of what.I.know.   When I think about the kids all over the world - in homes, orphanages, foster homes, on the streets - kids who suffer in silence day in and day out.  Kids who have forgotten how to cry because no one ever comes.  Abused in every way fathomable.  Ways that truly my naive and sheltered mind could probably not even dream up if I tried.  Their plight is more than I can bear some days.  But, bear it I must.  For if not the Body of Christ - then WHO??  Who is supposed to bear their pain? Who but us would God call to be His hands and feet?

Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."

He is coming back friends.  One glorious day - and ALL will be made new.