#1 - There are no experts.
The reason there are no experts is because you are raising little people. They are not robots, they are not computers, they are not clones, and they are not born desiring to please you. They have minds, bodies, and souls that are uniquely crafted by God. They are pre-wired with DNA that He gave them. He knows what they need - and here's the kicker - He knows what YOU need. So, he gave your children to you. For a reason. No one can parent your children the way you can and there is no 12 step program that is guaranteed to work. If you can not read a parenting book and take away what you need to apply and shrug off the rest, then take this advice if you don't hear anything else - THROW THE BOOKS AWAY!!!!
#2 - Slow down and enjoy your children.
We have six children. They range in age from 22 down to 3. So, we have done this - and now we are doing it again. Here is my not so expert advice. Slow down. Yes, the days are long - bedtime looms sometimes. I know. I get it. (I have been known to unashamedly break out the Melatonin just to have an uninterrupted conversation with my husband when he gets home from work). No judgment here. However, believe me when I tell you that there will come a day that you would give an actual arm or a leg to have these days back. The time is fleeting - and let's face it, the world we live in is more than uncertain, it is downright scary. We are not guaranteed one more second. Hug them, kiss them, get them another glass of water. Again and again. Your dishes will just get dirty again and no one cares if you mopped the floor. Believe me. No.one.cares. But, your five year old will remember that you played one more game of Candyland (or in my son's case Monopoly - grief, we play a lot of Monopoly around here). Go to the pool and get in! Put down the phone, snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie, read stack after stack of books. Be there.
#3 - Communication. #4 - Keep it simple.
If I could say one thing about our success at raising adults - it is this. Communication. Let me tell you how our family defines "success" - lest you think I am "tooting" my parenting horn. If you think that - go back to #1. In our family, we have only one goal. In order to describe our one goal, I have combined numbers three and four. Don't worry, four won't take long. We want our kids to leave our house with Jesus. That's it. Truly, it is that simple. Our theme verse for our lives is Isaiah 55:13, "And all your children will be taught of the Lord, and great will be the peace of your children." We pray this for and over them. We have this printed on our family picture that hangs on our wall. The Lord brings peace. Not a parenting book, tactic, or 12-step program. And bless it all, stress does not bring peace.
Here is where the communication part comes in - maybe I should have switched three and four. Oh well, let's carry on. Jesus does not have a one size fits all plan for everyone's life. Therefore, when we say we want them to leave with Jesus - we understand that can look as many different ways as there are people. In our family there are eight of us. We go in eight different directions most of the time, but if everyone is chasing Jesus - we are happy.
You must talk to your children and help them learn to hear His voice for themselves. Talk to them often and about anything. Do not let them shock you. As they get older they will try. We believe that learning for everyone takes place in three stages - the logic stage, the dialectic stage and the rhetoric stage. When your children are young and in the logic stage, they just need the facts. You need to talk to them, help them learn, spend time just being there with them and listen. As they reach those "middle school" years they are in the dialectic stage. They are starting to figure the world out on their own. You have to listen more than you talk. Let them share with you. (Again, remember, not to be shocked). Ask lots of questions and let them participate in decision making. Give them some rope. As my friend and mentor says "Enough to make non-life altering mistakes, but not enough to hang themselves." By age 16 or so they are in the rhetoric stages. Your day to day job of telling little people what to do is done. I will never forget years ago talking to a fellow mom who asked me what time my 16 year old goes to bed. Upon my look of confusion, she said, "I mean, I make my son brush his teeth at 8:30 and start his bedtime routine." Mamas, you do not tell your 16 year old when to brush his teeth. Cavities are non life altering learning tools. He will figure it out.
When we look around at the other kids our older ones grew up with, the ones who are the most settled in life are the ones who grew up in families with great communication. We home school our children as do most of our friends, so we got to see families in their real and raw environs. Let me tell you - people are quirky - us included. Most of us ran the gamut of "philosophies" when we first started home schooling. We tried everything as did most of our friends. I am so thankful that we abandoned all of the "step by step" philosophies early on and stuck to the basics. "Leave with Jesus." Communication is the KEY. I will always stand by that. Let them talk to you. Let them work out how they feel and what they think about social issues and current events. Let them disagree with you. Remember, you are raising adults. Thinking adults. That is what you want. You do not want a little clone of yourself. You can do better than that. You want your kids to be better than you - at marriage, at parenting, at life. You want them to be unafraid and unashamed. Let them ask the hard questions. Jesus can take it. Be sure that you can.
Our oldest is getting married in just three short weeks. I have a lot to say about that, but I will let her get to the alter first.
Mamas - slow down and smell the roses. Seriously, life is too short for stressing about things that won't matter in thirty years. Enjoy your babies!!!!
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