My family dynamic is changing. While we still have little ones, our kids are not all little anymore. More often than not I feel out of control and like my life is flying past me. I long for the days when I knew where everyone was all of the time because I controlled where everyone was, and everyone was under eight years old. I long for the days snuggled up on the sofa, eating popcorn and reading stacks of books. I long for the rainy afternoons and the excitement of watching a movie with mom. Those days are gone. Now we have fiancés and wedding planning, college, drivers permits, puberty, and graduations. We will very soon have sons in law, grandchildren, and another adoption. None of these are bad things. In fact, they are all very very good things. Just change. And it is hard.
It is easy to long for what once was instead of embracing what is now. I spend too much time dwelling on my failures. Did my five year old spend too much time playing on the computer today? Did my teenager and I have another argument? Do my kids argue too much? Do we laugh enough? Did we sit down to a meal together this week?
These are the things that I spend my time on. These things eat away at me. Because you know what? Like you, I want to get this right. I know there are some things in life that you just don't get a second chance at. I know that there are times when tragedy strikes and I want NO regrets. None. I want laughter and fun. I want long days at the park and snuggles on the couch. I want days free of electronics and laughter around the kitchen table. I know that you do too.
But, life is not really like that. It is a series of ups and downs. There really are no constants. It is alive and vibrant and highly charged. Emotions run the gamut in mere hours around here. And the truth is, I am a mess. I am highly unorganized, I pretty much suck at home schooling - even though I love the lifestyle with all of my heart. We have not done half the things I planned, I am an inconsistent disciplinarian. My younger son is mostly out of control as is my laundry. My housekeeping skills are non-existent, and I rarely follow through on any of my "threats" to get our chaos organized.
Here is the deal though. As I looked around my house tonight here is what I saw. First, crumbs and dishes. So many crumbs and dishes. More importantly though, I saw laughter. I saw my family and some friends who are in town - and they were laughing, playing cards, drinking wine. Yes, our feral five year old was climbing the plantation shutters and jumping down onto the sofa, so there's that. I sat for a minute and remembered the day. Not the too much computer part or the arguing part. Not the part where I wonder if my kids will make it through life because I am sure I have done something to land them in the therapist's office.
I focused on what is going to matter in 30 years. The laughter, the card games, the chocolate I let them eat at bedtime, the sticky kisses. The news they couldn't wait to share with me at midnight. The discussions around the table. The friends we opened our home to. The food we cooked together and the pop of the wine corks. The stroll through the Farmer's Market every Saturday morning and sharing a home made cookie.
My teenagers hold my hand and walk with their arms around me - in public. My five year old tells me he loves me - literally three or four times an hour. Our children give up their bedrooms a few times a year for weeks at a time for us to host families who come out to adopt babies through our orphan advocacy ministry. They do this with loving and compassionate hearts and mostly no complaining. They have shown absolutely nothing but pure excitement during our current adoption process. Twenty-somethings who are giddy over adopting a three year old , bringing their sibling number to six and counting, are not the norm in our culture, I am sure of that.
I am so incredibly humbled by what God has blessed me with. I do not deserve it.
My prayer is that I can stop focusing on the parts where I feel like I fail and start stepping back to get a better view of the big picture. What will matter in 30 years? The answer is, absolutely none of the things I negatively dwell on. Only what is done for Christ will remain - faith, hope and love. Laughter, memories, and traditions. Games, jumping on the bed, and reading stacks of books past bedtime. Late night chats and popcorn. Snuggling on the couch, watching family movies, and dinner around the table.
God give me the wisdom to see what is right in front of me.
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