I have fallen in love with Karen Purvis and her ministry Empowered to Connect. She has a lot of free webinars and other resources on her website and her book The Connected Child is absolutely full of practical information. It is through this book that I have realized that even newborn adoption does not guarantee trauma free. I have learned that even our biological kids are not exempt from the ramifications of stress and cellular memory. Our bodies remember. Bryan Post at The Post Institute also offers some amazing information and practical advice through his books and seminars.
These two are my absolute favorite. What they say makes sense to me. As ignorant as I have been on the subject, I had no idea when I first read their books that what they say flies in the face of traditional attachment advice. To me it is perfectly logical that if you have a child who is hoarding food, then obviously that child has a fear of being hungry. Sometimes that is a perfectly rational fear, depending on their background. Sometimes the fear may be irrational, but it takes varying amounts of time for children to learn to trust - and if you struggle with fear, like I do - then you know that even irrational fears can be absolutely paralyzing. And to a child who either can not or is not comfortable yet communicating their fears, then they act out the only way they know how. They hoard and then get very angry when confronted. Punishment will not work. Taking away meals will not work. Padlocking the pantry will not work. Informing them of your family rules and reiterating how grateful they should be for three squares daily will not work. (Yes, these are real things recommended by some attachment specialists.)
Dr. Purvis and Bryan Post both give very practical information in their materials about these and other issues that we face when parenting children from hard places. And these same techniques often work wonders with our biological children as well - because sometimes stresses occur that are simply beyond our control during pregnancy and delivery.
As I said, I have no answers - all I have is encouragement and if you haven't read books by these two authors, then I highly recommend them.
People will not understand the way you discipline (or in their opinion, don't discipline). If you were raised, as I was, in an area where "that boy needs his tail spanked" is the answer for everything, then people will shake their heads at you. Let me be the first to say - as unpopular as the notion is in our culture - I am not always opposed to spanking, IF it is done without anger. However, when parenting children from difficult places or parenting children with cellular stresses, spanking is simply ineffective and all it does is cause more anger. So, since this is a public blog and I don't know who reads it - and I am already on too many "lists" to count because of our views on healthcare, I want to state that we do not spank our children. Even though our son was adopted as a newborn, he has a very strong response to pain. Whether he falls down and skins his knees or whether someone accidentally bumps into him and knocks him down - pain causes an immediate anger response in him. This is very common in newborn adoption or children who have had trauma during pregnancy or delivery. There are scientific reasons behind this - usually dealing with cortisol levels and other stress hormones that we all deal with being "dumped" into their bodies in utero. I will spare you the science - it really doesn't matter how we got here, what matters is how we move forward.
It is a long road. You do not "outgrow" cellular stress, you must must must heal it. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We have seen amazing strides with our five year old's listening and obedience skills since we started implementing some of the techniques recommended from these two specialists. He is quicker now to take a deep breath when he gets hurt, he is quicker to recover if he does lose his temper, and best of all he is more in tune with his relationship with Christ. Yes, he is only five, but he is DEEP. He blows me away with his capacity to understand grace and mercy and love.
So, if you are struggling with a child from a hard place - be encouraged. You are not alone. There are resources. There are people dedicated to pouring their lives into figuring out what works and finding true healing. We have seen lots of physical and emotional results using essential oils as well. They support cellular health and true healing from the inside out. Friends - God has supplied ALL that we need to get through each day - one at a time. But, I will never be the one to tell you that "love is enough." I have seen kids who are loved unconditionally that never respond to that love. Kids whose parents have loved - and it was not enough. We live in a world spiraling crazy out of control. Some of these kids have been through things that I can't bring myself to even contemplate. They have learned to cope and sometimes those coping mechanisms are things we can't wrap our minds around.
I have a confession to make that I have never before made publicly. I know I am not the only one, but still it is embarrassing. I pick my finger and toe nails and the skin around them. I pick at them until they throb. It drives my husband absolutely crazy. I have talked to my mentors about this, godly women who pour into my life like no counselor ever could - not particularly about the fact that I pick my nails, but about the root of why I do it. Sometimes I inflict this minor pain on myself for the same reasons that teenagers "cut." It masks the emotional pain. The problem for me though is that the emotional pain I am trying to cover up is not anything that is happening to me. I am not in an abusive marriage - in fact, my husband is one of the most godly men I have ever known. I do not have wayward children - all of my children know the Lord intimately and live their callings out daily - they inspire me. The pain that I sometimes simply can not deal with at a particular moment is the pain of what.I.know. When I think about the kids all over the world - in homes, orphanages, foster homes, on the streets - kids who suffer in silence day in and day out. Kids who have forgotten how to cry because no one ever comes. Abused in every way fathomable. Ways that truly my naive and sheltered mind could probably not even dream up if I tried. Their plight is more than I can bear some days. But, bear it I must. For if not the Body of Christ - then WHO?? Who is supposed to bear their pain? Who but us would God call to be His hands and feet?
Galatians 6:9 "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up."
He is coming back friends. One glorious day - and ALL will be made new.
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