Waiting stinks. I'm just saying.
This gorgeous face is not our son. It is just an image I pulled off of a public website of a little boy of Ch*inese origin who is the exact same age as our guy. I can not wait to show you our Jeremiah. My youngest son. I know he will remain our youngest - I feel it. He is my baby. And this could easily be him. I can not wait to kiss those cheeks.
We are currently about 3/4 of the way through the 8,000 and some odd miles that we will put on our car this summer. Our third annual cross country road trip. My car, well.... it deserves its own post - a tribute of sorts to the way it has faithfully carried us across the country and back - the count will be nine times once we get back in a few weeks. It has some dings and dents - some cracks and bangs. It is missing a couple of non-vital parts. It smells like something distinct and not exactly pleasant. My husband hates it. The kids complain about scrunching up together in the back seat - long gangly, adult limbs criss crossed around each other in pretzel like fashion. I tell them they will miss these days. They will want them back. They tell me I sound like a country song. It's true - both of those things. I do sound like country song, but they WILL want this back.
I know they will because I do. I want all of my kids to be five again - yes, all of them. At the same time. (ha) Five is good. Five is independent, but still snuggly. Five is all wide eyed wonder at the wonderful world God created. Five is loving Mama and Daddy and thinking we are awesome. Five is "I'm going to marry YOU Mama." Five is tender towards God and quick to laugh. Five is hugs and tickles and middle of the night snuggles. Five is cuddling on the couch on a rainy afternoon with a stack of books and a bowl of popcorn. Five is safe at home -- learning, laughing, praying, building Legos -- together.
Alas, five is not a realistic life long expectation. I know that. Growing up, spreading wings, flying off into the wild blue yonder into the gloriously messy adventure that God planned is realistic. My kids are products of a couple of decades of prayer and fasting. They are exactly what I prayed they would be - and all I can say is, be careful what you pray for. If it follows in close alignment with the heart of God - you will probably get it.
My kids are independent, hard working, self-sufficient. They are adventurous, daring, and absolutely fearless. So many traits that I wish I had possessed at their ages. They are absolutely UNafraid to follow God to the ends of the earth. Seventeen hour flight to Africa, with people I have never seen before in my life, to spend two weeks ministering to orphans and street kids - at age 18 -- I got this Mom! Months living dorm style in NYC ministering to young girls rescued from sex slavery. Volunteering in a pre-school class for three year olds with special needs day after day. Making the President's List in their Honors College semester after semester, working hard, meeting great friends, volunteering, traveling to Europe, following Jesus. Making plans to live a whole year in Africa working with orphans with severe medical needs, living in NYC ministering to the homeless, serving on a Mercy Ship in the middle of the Indian Ocean for a year.
These things and more are what my kids are about these days. I love it. It is exactly what I prayed for - but you know what all these things have in common? They are far, far away from me. Our family is not longer contained. We have spread out. It is normal. It is right. It is exciting. And it makes my heart hurt. It is a perfect example of how Joy and Sorrow can so closely abide together. My heart is full to bursting with Joy for my children and how they are serving God every single day. I am full of joyful anticipation about the adventures that are around the corner. But, when I allow myself to think too hard I feel the sorrow building in my heart. I miss their former selves. I miss what our days used to look like. It hurts. However, the memories are there, and I will hold on to them with a grateful heart.
All the while, we wait and pray - and thank God that He is giving me the opportunity to have five year old snuggles for a bit longer. I pray I am never far from a five year old.
Jeremiah - Mommy gazes at your picture, prays for you continuously, and longs for the day that I hold you in my arms.
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