Wow - what a weekend!

I am going to be totally honest on this blog today, because Stan and I have a desire and a mission to minister to married couples. You can see my previous posts on marriage to see where we have come from. However, lest you think we have arrived, I want to share a little bit with you about our weekend. Friday, I started a post about my personal Bible study, thinking that I would tell you what I am studying on my own in the Word and what God is speaking to me right now. Every time I sat down to write that post, I got interrupted (imagine that) and never got to finish it. Now I realize it is because God knew that I didn't really have too much to say at that point, and He knew what was coming this weekend. He knew that today would be a much better day to tell you what He is speaking into my life and where He is stretching me.

I put up the picture of our wedding day because my daughter has been digging through old pictures and putting them on our computer and I just thought it would be appropriate to show you our happy faces on that day, quite a number of years ago! We were young, naive, and quite unprepared for what lay ahead -- but, we wore the happy faces of two people who had not a clue what real married life was all about! Boy, did we get a quick wake up call!

Anyway, last Sunday night we had our first small group meeting at our house. We are hosting a group through our church and we are doing a study on marriage. Now, God gives grace to the humble, but rebukes the proud, and satan of course, is always prowling around -- so, with that combination, it was inevitable that as we prepared for our second week of leading a small group on marriage that we would hit a roadblock or two. After all, we needed some real life examples of what NOT to do!

I can't really remember how it started, to be quite honest. I know that it was Saturday afternoon, and somehow, something was said that made me cry. Now, I cry easily at least ONCE a month (if you know what I mean) and I cry easily when I am angry. It wasn't the first one, so I must have been angry, but so help me, as I sit here, I can't remember what started it. That is the interesting part about marital issues - I would be willing to wager that most of the time, no one can remember what started it!

Anyway, all of a sudden, every unresolved hurt feeling, every late night at the office, every harsh word flooded my brain. (Remember the unwanted strangers I talked about in the brothers and sisters book?) In our current Bible study we are learning that women need love and men need respect. Not a novel concept for those of us who regularly study the Scriptures, I realize, but sometimes you just have to hear it again. Needless to say, Stan does not feel very respected when he realizes that I have been harboring these things. Honestly, though, the strange thing is that I didn't really think I had been harboring them, but here they were, flying out of my mouth! Well, then, of course, he is not reacting very well to this and all of a sudden we are both really, really upset. Then, the big stuff starts coming out....the stuff that I admit that I do harbor....like, how badly I want to adopt a baby and how he isn't ready to do it yet - and here's the part that squeezes my heart even now as I type....he may never be ready. It may not happen for me. And how I wish we did more studying of the Bible together as a family.

Now, we have quickly gone from petty nastiness to full blown issues in record time! Then, he begins his list. How he knows I don't appreciate anything he does and the kids expect to be able to buy anything they want, with no regard for money. I told you it got nasty. Believe me, I don't tell you this to say anything negative about my husband, he is an awesome husband, a wonderful daddy, the head of our family in every way, and I KNOW he loves me! But, we were quickly jumping back on the "crazy cycle" that used to define our lives! And the sad thing is, we know better. We can put a name to the madness! My heart goes out to the people who are stuck on the merry go round, that is flying out of control and they don't even know why. They have no name for what they are doing, they have no idea how they got on and even less of an idea how to get off! It breaks my heart how many marriages break up every day over the stupid little petty things.

Anyway, the day went from bad to worse. We called a truce that evening and headed out to a bull riding event with some friends, but we were not finished yet, and once we got home and got everyone to bed....it was on again! It has been a long time since I stayed up half the night arguing. It was not pretty, it was not fun, and it was a great reminder of both how far we have come and how far we have to go!

Now, let me share quickly with you, how God spoke to me during that time. As I said, I can't remember what stupid little thing it was that started it, but for me the biggest thing that came out was about adoption. I have wanted to adopt a baby since I was a little girl. Stan always wanted one child! Needless to say, he has changed his mind on that....now, we are totally open to having another baby if God decides to give us another one. So far, He hasn't. So, to me, it seems like now would be a perfect time to adopt one. Stan is in the middle of huge leadership change at his office, he has a lot of work related issues on his mind, God is speaking to him about a lot of spiritual issues right now, we are trying to be completely debt free and working hard towards that end....so many things, but to me, it all seems simple - let's just do it. I'm pretty spontaneous that way. Thankfully, we are not both that way, someone has to think of the details. Anyway, after I accused Stan of a lot of things that are not true, like my accusation that he refuses to even pray about it - God really spoke to me. I was convicted that I am being totally non-submissive to my husband by continuing to demand that he give me what I want, not to mention selfish. He has told me to wait, yet I keep on and on. Almost as if I need to adopt a baby in order to be happy, or to be complete. I felt like God told me that I had to put that desire on the altar and give it totally to Him. I had to tell Him that if I never adopt a baby, it is ok. I can't tell you how much it hurts to even type that now. I have wanted this my whole life and I can quickly justify in my mind that God must want me to do it because James 1:27 says that we must take care of widows and orphans. It does say that, but plenty of other scriptures say that I must submit to my husband's leadership in everything - including children.

I spent the entire day yesterday trying to give my desire to God. I begged Him just to snatch it away, because my fingers wanted to hold on to it so badly. I would open them up a little and then squeeze them shut again. I truly wanted to let go, but I just couldn't. It was the hardest thing He has asked me to do in a really long time, and I was mad at Him. I was hurt because I know that He loves all those children out there without parents and I know I could provide for them and teach them about Him and love them to pieces! Strangely enough, my anger towards Stan went away, I truly felt like it was between God and me. I realized in that moment that God has clearly been speaking to him about it and he has been listening. I am the barrier, because I have put this action of adoption on a pedestal. I have held it up like some kind of spiritual activity. I have acted like it was the "saintly" thing to do, go all over the world like some kind of Christian Angelina Jolie and pick up poor little orphan children. I'm not sure anymore what my motive has always been, and maybe that it the problem. I need to hear from God, not push my agenda because it is some kind of novelty to me.

Needless to say yesterday was more draining that Saturday. Now I am not fighting with my husband, I am fighting with God! The best and the worst is that God doesn't lose His temper with me, He doesn't yell and make me angry...He is so gentle and loving and He listened as I yelled and cried and told Him how much I would love one of those children and how my kids cry because they want more babies. He listened as I promised Him that I would work really hard to show Stan how much I appreciate him if He would just help Stan to change his mind. He let me vent, yell, and beg...and then, when I finally got quiet and listened, I knew He was there. He whispered love to my very soul and He gently, but firmly told me that I had to let it go. I had to let go of that desire and I had to get to a place where it was really and truly ok. He has given me four amazing children and a huge responsibility towards them. I have not been appreciative enough of that and I often neglect my responsibilities towards my home and family. I am envious of people who get what I want in this area. I would argue that I don't want them not to get a baby, I just want one too, and after all, there are plenty to go around. Envy is still envy and it is still sinful and ugly. I gave in. What else could I do? I don't know much, but I know that fighting against God is futile, a waste of time, and that it hinders my growth. I want to grow, so I gave it to him. It still hurts, it will hurt for a while I'm sure. I feel like I am grieving a loss. I am, it is the loss of a dream that I have had my whole life. Whether for the right reasons or not, it has always been there in the back of my mind. It hinders my contentment with where I am in life. God knows where I am, He knows the deepest desires of my heart, and He knows what I need. If I believe that He is good, and I do believe that - then I have to also believe that he will give me those things which are good for me. So, this day, and for every day after this, I will choose to lay all my dreams at His feet. I will choose to allow Him to make decisions for me. I will choose not to be angry at my husband, or feel like he is the reason I don't get what I want - he's not. He is the one listening to God. I believe that with all of my heart. Will I ever get to hold a baby in my arms that was born, not from my body, but from my heart? I don't know. I do know this, though, even if it hurts, it is ok.