Jumbled Thoughts

My posts lately are rambling and jumbled. At least that is how I feel when I find myself writing titles like "Very Random" and "Jumbled Thoughts" - apparently, I am having a hard time getting myself together.

I haven't posted any recent pictures of my kids lately, so I thought I would do that today. They are very randomly placed throughout the post. Bryce has become quite a photographer and she is constantly snapping pictures. Check out her new "photo" blog at twinsproject365.blogspot.com -

My mind is all filled up right now with thoughts of high school credits, political turmoil, moral failures, failing marriages, attacks from the enemy, unrest in the Middle East, and writing a book.

With things like that swirling around constantly I should be surprised that I can coherently state that my mind is jumbled. Jumbled is really an understatement.

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Hmmmmm, where do I start? If someone asked me to define who I am - the answer would be that I am a follower of Christ. After that, I am a wife, then a mother. I say it in that order because I know that is the right order. My head knows that Jesus is first, then my husband, then my kids. Do my actions always say the same thing?

Jesus is always first in my mind. I can say that for sure. I am trying to learn the art of "pray without ceasing" and I do have a running conversation going on in the back of my mind with my Daddy pretty much every waking hour. Too often it sounds something like, "Jesus, make Graham calm down!" "Jesus, how am I going to get all this laundry done before Stan gets home?" "Jesus, are we going to be able to prove that we have done enough school for graduation requirements?"

I'm not proud of that, but I am trying to be honest. I truly wish I could say that my heart is always tuned in to Him and that I am constantly bombarding the throne room on behalf of the impoverished in the world and the desperate needs right outside our front door. That is my goal - maybe when I die I will be able to accomplish it!

Do I always put my husband second? What would his answer be? Well, I desperately desire to put him second. I know without a doubt how blessed I am to have a loyal husband. All around me, right within our circle of friends and home school group, marriages are being torn asunder. The enemy is prowling, seeking whom he may devour and he has set his sites on Christian homes. I have no doubt whatsoever that the greatest threat our country faces is from the inside. It is the decimation of the most noble institution on earth - the family.

If we give satan any foothold in our marriage relationship,and if we let him have an inch, he will never stop there. He will dig in his heels and plant seeds of doubt about our spouses and about our love for them. I don't know much, but let me tell you one thing I do know. Love is a choice. It is not a feeling or an emotion. It is not something we "feel" and it is not somewhere we "fall." It is nice when we feel all gushy, and I hope that everyone reading this feels that way about your spouse. However, we would be lying to say that we always "feel" it - at least I know I don't. Sometimes my husband irritates me and I know without a doubt that sometimes I irritate him. Sometimes I irritate myself!

A pastor friend of ours spoke recently at our church. It was Valentine's Day and within his sermon he made the comment, "I love my wife because I have to." Now, before you tell me he is heartless, let me assure you that this man is an amazing husband and father - and he truly loves his wife. What he said actually sounded good to a Truth-lover like me. I would honestly rather know that my husband loves me because he has to, than to think that he will only love me as long as he feels like it. Think about that for a minute - there is great security there.

I am blessed to have this security. I know that my husband will always love me. I can make this strong statement and stake everything on it, because my husband knows that he has to. He knows that love is not a feeling, it is a choice. Now, many who know him would say that my husband is not the most sensitive man on the planet. They would be right; he is as no nonsense and unemotional as anyone I have ever met. My tears do not endear him to me, they anger him. He is not fooled by emotional ploys, and he never wavers. He is what Debi Pearl calls a Command Man - willing to sacrifice himself and those he loves for the greater good. He is a leader, he is willing to face the consequences of his actions. A man like this is loyal to the end. He thinks about all the ramifications too much to do anything rash. He weighs the options and he makes the most cost effective decision. Divorce is costly. It is costly monetarily, but more importantly it costs emotionally. Everybody pays the price and everybody gets hurt. Two people who God has joined together and made into one can not be brutally torn apart without deep, lasting wounds and horrible scars. It simply can not happen.

So, back to my original question. Do I always put him second? Probably not. He is not nearly as demanding as my kids. He doesn't cry when he is hungry or tired. He doesn't need me to drive him to tennis lessons, basketball practice, or to the library. I don't have to read history books to him or help him do science experiments. I don't have to referee when he fights with his brother and I don't have to insist that he take a bath. In other words, he is much easier to overlook than my children!

This is no excuse for not putting my husband in his rightful place. It is just simply the way it is sometimes for sinful man - or woman as the case may be; and it is my responsibility to change it.

Right now in our lives we personally know several couples who are going through a divorce; these are Christian couples, mind you. The children are devastated, the parents are hurting, and the devil is laughing. It is horrific for everyone involved, and as a friend, I don't know how to fix it. I can tell them that love is a choice, and I have, but when you are in the middle of the anger and the disappointment and the betrayal, the emotion is what drives you. It is so hard to remember that you have to choose, when you are in the middle of it. That is why I think we must protect our marriages before they begin to fall apart. We must build a hedge around them that the fiery darts can not penetrate - before they are pounding on the door. We must cherish and love and honor our spouse, every day and never give satan a foothold. God help me remember to do just that.

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The state of our nation bothers me to no end. I watch the news, I read the papers, I listen to the speeches and I wonder if the ones who voted for our current administration have begun to get a clue as to what they have done. Believe me when I say that our family prays diligently for President Obama. Every morning before we begin our school day we pray for him to make wise decisions. We pray that he would make choices based on the Constitution and the foundations that so many people gave their lives for. Then, he signs an executive order to spend my money doing stem cell research using aborted fetuses; research, I might add, that has never provided researchers with any more hope than adult stem cell research. Then, he signs off on a multi-multi billion dollar economic stimulus package that will force states to hand more money to those who do not qualify for unemployment in the first place, and spend millions on education reform that simply does not work! In the words of the South Carolina Governor, "When you find yourself in a hole you can't get out of, the first thing you do is stop digging!" I would say a hearty Amen to that statement.

However, I know that Scripture tells me I must respect the governmental offices over me and I do have a huge amount of respect for the Office of the President of the United States. I teach my kids that even if we don't agree with President Obama's policies or his morals, we still must respect his office and we are obligated to pray for him. I can assure you that we do just that.

That does not stop me however from weeping over the moral decline of our nation. When I open a news magazine and I see the reviews of the television shows that are played on supposedly "family" stations, I want to retreat into a shell of denial. When I read articles about the little girls in our nation who are forced into sex slavery at 11 or 12 years old, and I think about that fact that there would be no need for their services if there were not men out there willing to pay for such disgusting forms of recreation, then I beg Jesus to return quickly.

When I talk to our pediatrician and she tells me of the rampant problem of sexually transmitted diseases in the throats of middle school girls, I want to take my own precious, innocent middle school girl, who knows nothing of such moral depravity and
keep her in my sight forever. I want to take these little girls, whose parents are obviously not protecting them and wrap them in a huge hug and tell them that they are beautiful and special and loved by God.

Then I realize that I can't fix it, and it tears me up inside.

The issues in the Middle East are subject to another post all their own. Right now I am in the middle of reading a series of books by Joel Rosenberg. I am only on book two of five, and you can read the daily news headlines out of these books. The scary thing is that the one I'm reading was published in 2002 - today, what Mr. Rosenberg wrote as fiction is morphing into our reality. I will write more when I finish the series.

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If you asked me who I am, after I told you about my Jesus, and my wonderful husband, and all four of my children, I would tell you that the "thing" that best describes me is that I am a writer. I did not say I was an author, which would indicate that I have actually published something. I did not even say that I am a very good writer, but I am a writer. I have to write. In all of my memories I have either been writing something or reading something. Words on a page are balm to my soul. If I go for a long period of time without writing, my mind begins to swim and all the letters in there begin to swirl around like alphabet soup and I feel like my head is going to burst open and spew letters. I have to get my thoughts out on paper or the computer screen. I write in journals, I write on my blog, I have started too many books to count. The smell of a brand new twenty-nine cent notebook is enough to cause my spirits to soar.

I am announcing here for the first time that I am almost finished with my first fiction book. So far I have written just over 100,000 words and my story is about to come to an end; or at least a pause, there is still the probability of a sequel. I don't know that it is very good, I haven't let anyone read it except my daughter, who is a much better writer than I am. I don't know that I will ever even attempt to publish it. I just needed to write it. It is a story that I have needed to tell for a long time. The underlying theme is my story, but the events are simply fiction. It is a story that attacks all the injustices that I am passionate about: abortion, racism, ignorance...and most importantly, it is a story of redemption. Writing it has been very theraputic for me.

Anyway, I am done "spewing" letters for now....except that I must say a special Happy Birthday wish to Graham. My littlest man is 7 years old now!! Happy Birthday Gray! I love you!