Confessions....

I have not been a very nice person lately.

I think everyone in my extended family is probably angry at me, and they probably have good reason to be. I have had a lot on my plate the last couple of weeks......a dear friend's husband was diagnosed with cancer, we have several things going on in our personal life (remember my prayer request post?), Stan and I have had several business related dinners this week, which is highly unusual, and now I have thrown my back out, which is something I have never done before and let me tell you, it hurts!!

I am not proud of this at all, but when I have too much going on that I can't wrap my mind around, I completely shut down. I would be a "runner" except that I have four children to take care of and getting in the car alone and going far, far away is not an option for me - therefore, I have become a "retreater." I retreat into my little shell and I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. I let school lapse, I let outside activities lapse, and I read simple fiction books so that I don't have to think and I can pretend to be somewhere else for a while.

Don't tell me that I need serious counseling - you are probably right, but this is my mode of coping and it works pretty well, most of the time - except that when I crawl out of my shell I have to apologize to those I have ignored.

Today I feel like I am coming back into the land of the living - except for my back - did I mention that it hurts like crazy?! I am beginning to wrap my mind around the things going on in my life and I am allowing Jesus to carry the burden. Why do I struggle with this so much, when I KNOW that He can carry it and I KNOW that I am going to give it to Him? Why don't I just give it to him first and save myself and everyone around me the aggravation of my retreat? Believe it or not I am getting much better at this than I used to be. It used to take me weeks to come around and get myself together when I got into a "pit" - now, it typically only takes me days. This time I have been kind of teetering on the edge of the pit for a few weeks and finally I fell in! It has taken me a week or so to crawl out.

So, if you are reading and you are one of the ones I have hurt by not answering your e-mails or phone calls, I truly am sorry. I just needed to be alone for a while and since being alone in obviously not an option for me - I needed to pretend to be somewhere else. This week I have been traveling with the O'Malley family in a series of fiction books. I closed the last one yesterday and it was absolutely perfect that the last book focused on the brother who was a "runner" when things got bad. With Stephen I traveled all over the country as he tried to outrun his problems and God. Finally, as is always the case, the God of all caught up with him and he had to go back and face the things that caused him pain. As I read the last paragraph in the book, I realized that my Daddy was catching up with me as well. Gently calling me back to face the things that are going on in my life that I don't like. The things that do not surprise Him at all and that He has totally under control.

I also managed to dot the last i in the book I am writing. The total came to around 130,000 words, pre-edited of course. Now, the fun begins. The story is in place and complete, I know the outcome. However, the editing stage is just beginning, and Bryce tells me that is the longest and hardest part. Ugh, and here I thought the hardest part was actually finishing a book length story. We will see.

Anyway, again, please accept my sincere apology if I have hurt you in the past couple of weeks. I will begin my apology phone calls in the next couple of days......

Meanwhile, please keep praying for Stellan @ mycharmingkids.net and you can add our dear friend Troy to your prayer list as well.

Enjoy the pictures that Bryce has been taking!!