Trust

Trust....

Trust is a hard word for me. I am a worrier, and when you are a worrier it means that you don't want to trust anyone else to be in control of your life, you want YOU to be in control of your life. I want to control all the outcomes of my little world. However, by definition, trust would mean that I allow someone else to control all the outcomes of my little world, and faith would mean that I believe with all of my heart that the outcomes will be for my good.

My faith and my trust is placed totally and completely in the hands of the One who I know holds the future. The One who I know loves me and my children with an everlasting love. The One who I can count on.

"I will put my trust in him. I and the children God has given me." Hebrews 2:13

This choice to trust does not come easy for me. Before I truly knew Him, things happened in my life that caused me to become fearful of trusting, fearful of believing that all things would work for my good, fearful of loving with abandon. However, now that I know Him, I can't help it.

In the book of John, Jesus asked the disciples if they wanted to cease following Him. In typical straightforward fashion, Simon Peter answers, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

With Peter, I concur. Where else would I go? Whom else could I trust? My faith and my trust, Jesus, is in You.

I heard from our attorney this morning that the reason he has not brought us any birth mom information as of yet is because all of the birth moms currently available do not have clean drug screens. This tells me that there are in fact birth moms who are desiring to put their babies up for adoption. We decided early on that God would choose the baby for our family. We would not specify race or gender and we do not want to specify medical history either. Every life is precious and every baby is crafted by God, no matter the choices that his or her mother makes during the pregnancy. I do not believe that babies are "mistakes" or "accidents" and I do not believe that I have the right to pick which one is "worthy" of our family based on a medical report.

My God is not to be underestimated! He can do anything He chooses. I do not believe for one second that any medical report means a thing in the hands of the One True God. He can give or take away and he can heal - regardless of any report. How dare I, or a doctor or an attorney try to play God in these circumstances? We feel led to adopt, and we have asked God to give us the baby of His choosing - not ours!

I am so good at "imagining." It is what I do. I daydream stories and I write them. I love to write creative fiction. I can place myself right smack in a story and play it out in my head and then transfer it onto paper. When we started this process, visions of beautiful Gerber babies danced through my head. Babies of all colors of the rainbow, red and yellow, black and white - with huge, trusting eyes and drooly smiles. I can conjure these images up right now and I can place these chubby lumps of adorable baby fat right in our family - laughing and smiling!

What I have a harder time conjuring up is a screaming, sickly infant - shaking with withdrawals. A baby whose chance at a peaceful beginning was snuffed out in a dingy apartment and a drug laced stupor.

Yet, I have no idea what God has planned for our family. I only know that I choose to trust Him.

We so covet your prayers as we embark on this journey. A journey that may not be as simple as we have always imagined it would be. We are clinging to His words as we pray and wonder...

"It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man." Psalm 118:8

"Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, who has sent his angel and delivered his servants, who trusted in him, and set aside the king’s command, and yielded up their bodies rather than serve and worship any god except their own God." Daniel 3:28