Pensive

In case anyone is wondering how our "New Deal" is going, well.....

it is going.

We are still here, still haven't had any playdates, and still plugging along. I have a few shelves that I can actually see what is supposed to be on them, I haven't cooked dinner myself in several nights, and I have woken up to a clean kitchen every morning this week. This is all progress for sure. A big step in the right direction.

But....is it really changing their character? Time will tell I guess.

I have spent lots more time on my knees, that's for sure. And you know, maybe that was the point anyway. To bring me to the place that I should really live my life. On my knees. I can't turn these boys into men and these girls into godly young ladies on my own anyway. I know that. I never had any illusions that I could. However, I think that sometimes I live day to day as if I am saying that I think I can. That I think that the way they turn out has anything to do with me. No, God showed me a long time ago that He is in control of how they turn out and I pray believing that they are going to turn out to be godly men and women in spite of me. In spite of the way I mess up all the time. In spite of the times I yell. In spite of the times I model laziness all the while preaching the evils of being a sluggard.

I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of praying lately. The praying part is a really good thing, the thinking part, probably not so much. When I start thinking, my mind goes to all kinds of crazy, fearful places. I think about how many times I fail my children and my husband. I think about how many times I fail God. I think about all the orphans out there and I see their little tear streaked faces in my dreams and I hear their muffled sobs as they cry themselves to sleep at night. Then what happens? I am paralyzed. Paralyzed by failure and grief. Paralyzed by the overwhelming need in this crazy world we live in. Paralyzed by my own desire to raise children who are sold out for Christ. This desire overwhelms me sometimes because their every stumble makes me feel like I messed up again.

You know what, God brought me back this week to the book Running Into Water by Angela Blycker. You should stop reading right now and click the link to order yourself a copy if you don't already have one. It is hands down the best book on mothering I have ever read and there is nothing practical in it at all. In other words, it is not going to tell you how to discipline or how to get your baby to sleep through the night. What it is going to tell you though is that if you, as a mom, are immersed in the Living Water, your children will follow you in pursuit of the Holy One. You will be contagious to everyone around you.

That's what I desire most. For my children to look past me and see Jesus. There is nothing in me that they should desire, but in Him - wow, I want them to be crazy in love with Jesus. If they are, then everything, everything else will fall into place. The closer I get to Him, the more I long for everyone around me to feel the same way. I long for perfect strangers I meet in the grocery store to have the love of Christ to compel them. I long for my family to operate fully sold out to Him. The struggle is in what that looks like. For me, I get a passion going in my mind and I am obsessive about it. I know that and I don't necessarily think it is a good thing, because it becomes what drives me and I know that what drives me should be God's glory and nothing else. Then, I can listen for His instruction and obey it, but I don't have to feel overwhelmed to the point of grief every day. Right now I am not doing so good with this. Right now I have been spending too much time reading blogs, watching "Gotcha Day" videos, and pouring over lists of waiting children, looking for the one that is going to bear our name. I have been a bit distracted from my own reality. I need to find the balance, but I can't seem to find it. I don't know how to get their little faces out of my mind.

I know God is doing this work in me for a reason. I know we are struggling as a family for a reason, and I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. We just needed some time to pull in and regroup. I am starting to hear laughter again from siblings playing together, I am starting to see soft hearts and eager smiles and teasing again. We are getting over this bump in the road and we are going to be fine. The next step is what to do with our passion for the orphan. Our kids are as worked up as I am, crying over the calendar we recently received in the mail with pictures, flipping through waiting children lists, declaring their intent to adopt a dozen when they get married. We will see what God is going to do with all this emotion that we have going on. I know it will be good and I know it will glorify His name.

Thanks for praying for us.