Prayer

I have been praying a lot lately. I seem to be constantly overwhelmed with some issue on my heart. I am on the verge of tears most of the time. You would think I am pregnant. I am 99.9% sure I'm not! I think that I have just asked God one too many times to break my heart for what breaks His. The problem is, it is hard to know what to do with all that brokenness once it happens. Oh my goodness, it hurts!

I can't stop talking about Vanya until he is home with his family. I know they are out there. I wish it was us, I would take him in a heartbeat, but we are waiting on Daddy to hear from God about our next adoption. Daddy thinks with his head, while I tend to think with my heart. It is a good combination, and it helps me build up the fruit of patience in my life. And once Daddy decides to move, he moves quickly and with a purpose. I just have to stay ready.

I find myself just walking around talking to God. I'm sure people driving in the car next to me think I am a little off - or maybe they think I am talking on a Bluetooth. That's probably more like it. I just talk to God all the time. I try to run through the list of people that I have promised to pray for. I hate telling people I will pray and then forgetting to do it. I keep a running list of needs in my head, but sometimes my head gets left behind! Of course, I also pray for my kids, my husband, my friends and their families - even when there is not a specific need. There is never enough time in the day to bring all the things that swirl around in my head before the Father. But, oh, how I want to. I want to "pray without ceasing" and I want to storm the gates of Heaven on behalf of orphans, widows, the sick, the lost. I want people to literally feel the arms of Jesus wrapping them tightly.

It is hard to live in this world. Our kids are growing up in darkness. It is a pressing and scary evil that prevails in our society right now. My goal is to raise points of light, because light always penetrates the darkness and darkness can never cover up the light. I feel a weight of conviction to raise children who are well prepared to not only survive, but thrive in this world. Who grab hold of Jesus and don't let go, no matter how tough their circumstances. Who shout for joy in His presence. That is the kind of life I want to live as well. I know I mess up too often, I am short tempered, and disorganized. I want so badly to model the character of Jesus, but the fact of the matter is that I just don't have it.

What I do have however, is compassion. I am thankful that God has broken my heart, but unsure as to where to go next. He is revealing some things to Stan and we are praying about what He would have us do next. The kids and I hope this includes more adoptions, but we are certain it includes some adoption advocacy and some mission trips. We are very, very excited to follow Him where ever He leads us.