Well, I have definitely not been kept up with blogging lately. I have been a little distracted being in single parenting mode. Whew....my hat is off to you moms (and dads) who raise little ones alone. I am exhausted!! Everyone is cooperating pretty well, though, and we are hanging in. Counting the days and marking them off the calendar until we see Daddy again!! It can't come soon enough!
I have not been getting enough sleep, though, and I can't even blame it on the kids. No, after I get Patrick to bed, I easily could follow, but I have been doing a lot of reading. I love to read, but I try to limit myself because once I start a book, I have a hard time putting it down until it is done - so I will stay up all night and read. Lately, I have been scouring the Kindle store for the free books and downloading them.
Last night, however, I started a book that I have to share with you. I pre-ordered a "real" copy of this book and it arrived last week. My 17 year old snatched it up and I haven't seen it since. She is engrossed and thoroughly convicted reading Kisses From Katie. I am thrilled!! I absolutely LOVE this young lady! I have shared her blog with you before and now there is a book about her life. I am trying my best to read it s.l.o.w. because I don't want it to be over. It is life changing!! You have got to get yourself a copy.
Reading her story is humbling, convicting, inspiring, and a million other emotions that I have no words for. I want to be used by God like this young lady is being used. I want him to turn my world, as Katie says, not upside down, but right side up - shattering my preconceived notions of what I need or deserve, and molding me into His image. I want to love like she loves - with complete abandon and utter trust in the One who led her, as a teenager, to the "pearl of Africa."
What does that look like for my life - for yours? I don't know. I wish I did. Oh, how I wish it was crystal clear to me. Deep down I wish it looked like her life. I wish He would call our family to Ethiopia - the country that speaks to my very soul. I wish He would allow me to live and work, serving those beautiful people whose chocolate eyes penetrate my heart in every picture I see.
Deeper still, it terrifies me that one day He might. Me, a complete germaphobe, living in the dirt and muck. Taking my children to places where disease runs rampant and war rips countries into jagged edged pieces. You know, though, it terrifies me more that I might miss His calling on my life. That I might miss the blessings He has for me or that He wants to give others through me. I am more afraid of not living in His perfect will for my life than I am of anything that can harm me physically.
Matthew 10:28 "And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell."
Right now, our family is embarking on our new adventure across the country, instead of across the world. We are confident that He has called us to this place and we are equally completely confused as to why. It is not just a "career move." No, we know that there is a purpose that is way beyond that. There are things for us in Arizona that we know nothing about right now. There are people that we will encounter and places He will ask us to go that we can't fathom at this moment. It will be hard. It will be exciting. It will be right - as it always is to follow His will.
Reading Katie's story is hard. I sob out loud when I picture the things she describes. The children, with their bloated bellies and maggot infested wounds - wandering the streets aimlessly, crying for the mommy and daddy who will never answer. The moms who do want to provide for their babies, but simply can't make enough money, so they have to watch their precious ones starve too death. The mother in me anguishes over what these moms must go through, watching their babies suffer. I want to do something - anything to stop this cycle of poverty and disease. Especially when I look around me. I know how much food our family throws away in a week. I know how much we waste just because we didn't "want that for lunch." I am ashamed when I see the excess and the sheer gluttony in America while a plane ride away children, just like mine, scrounge garbage cans or beg for leftovers just to put a bite in their distended bellies. It makes me sick, quite frankly. The part I play in it makes me sicker still.
In Katie's words, she "quit her life." I can not express how much I often want to "quit" mine. Not in the way we in America think of "quitting." The dad who runs off with another woman and "quits" his responsibilities. The mom who decides to abandon her family to go off and "find herself." No, I don't mean quit my responsibilities at all. I mean, that I want to live my life in a different way. A way that glorifies God in every single aspect. I want to love the way that He loves. I know that I can't solve the problem of poverty in Ethiopia - or in America. It is like bailing out the ocean with a teacup. (Katie says with an eyedropper and that is probably more accurate). Either one is overwhelming to say the least. However, what I can do is demonstrate the love of Christ to the ones He puts in my path. Both at home, with my family and out - in Florida, Arizona, and anywhere else He leads. I can love like He loves - not perfectly, like He can, but if I allow Him to love through me, then it will be enough.
I am still drawn to the African continent. I don't know why. I am drawn to Ethiopia. Sometimes I have an almost overwhelming desire to jump on a plane and go there. I just feel the need to see it. To smell it. To touch the dirt and feel it on my feet. I am sure that one day I will. I know it deep down. Whether for short term, long term, or to bring home one of those beautiful babies - I don't know. God knows, and right now that has to be enough for me. Right now I have to bloom where I am planted and soon enough I will be planted in the desert of Arizona. For how long or for what purpose, I am still in the dark.
God knows and that is enough for me.
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