Life

It's time for another vulnerable post that actually may look something like a pity party.  Sorry.

This cross country move has kicked our butts as a family.  I am ashamed to admit it, but also pumped up about the prospect of fighting back. 

 ^"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." 

We are surrounded constantly by the powers of darkness that desire to see intact families fall.  I feel their presence in a very real way in our family lately.  It is terrifying yet at the same time, I can't help but feel a little bit pumped and a lot humbled that God is asking us to don the armor.  I know that in the power of Christ, we will win this battle - He will win it.  Apart from Him, there is nothing good in me, nothing courageous, and nothing willing to fight the fight.  With Him, however, there is the faith of a mustard seed and that is what I am clinging to right now.  That tiny speck of faith that knows at the very core of who I am that it is enough for Him to work with.  It is enough to win the war, and I can not wait to see what beauty God brings from the struggle.

I'm going to be bluntly honest, I am struggling right now in just about all aspects of myself.  My parenting seems less than adequate lately - my kids are struggling.  My marriage has hit a rough patch, but thankfully Stan and I both saw that coming and were able to intercept and stand firm together.  My spirit feels about as dry as the desert we are walking in right now, both literally and figuratively.  

Currently, I am sunk deep in the Word.  I crave it like water.  It literally feels like my lifeline in all that is going on in my life.  I am beginning to truly own the verse, "Like a deer pants for water, so my soul longs for you, oh God."  I long for and crave His presence in ways I never have before.  For that, I would move to the desert again and again and again.

With all of this craving though, comes a deep and profound sense of loss.  I look back at my life and at all that I so callously threw away as a teenager and young adult and I grieve on a deep, soul level.  I want so desperately to be a blessing, to make a difference in this world that seems so crazy out of control.  I don't want to live like an American Christian - content to let the church teach my children about God and wanting only for them to grow up and be "good" and "successful."  No, I don't want my children to be "good" I want them to be an unstoppable force, strong only in the power they possess from a living, breathing relationship with Jesus Christ.  But, if I am honest, I want another chance to be used that way as well.

We are blessed right now to know two beautiful young girls who left everything comfortable and familiar this year and moved to Africa.  One to Uganda and one to Tanzania.  Emma and Stephanie embody my hopes and dreams for my children.   Not that I am praying for my children to move to Africa, no, I am praying that they follow God's call - no matter where and no matter what it looks like.   I so wish that I had not squandered my time when I was young in stupid and worldly pursuits.  God stopped my foolishness in its tracks when in His mercy and grace, He saved me from myself and gave me two babies at 20 years old.  I will never, ever regret the decision to be a mom at such a young age.  It made me grow up and it made me look beyond the self-absorbed life I was living.  Those same babies are 19 years old now - the same age I was when I was pregnant with them.  They are mature followers of Christ - struggling so hard right now to find their place in this world and desiring to make a difference.  I have a strong feeling that one day soon I will add my own precious daughter's name to this list of young women I pray fervently for.  Her desire is to follow God's call to the ends of the earth.  My children are my heroes.  Bryce is everything that I wish I had been at her age.  She is wrestling with God right now, trying to figure out where He wants her to be - but, she is open and willing to follow Him where ever He leads.  

Sometimes, I want a do over.  I would still end up right where I am now - married to my husband and mom to these exact same five children.  However, I would not have wasted my youth.  I would not have pursued the things of this world - I would have given my all to the God that I never doubted was there, but Who I successfully ignored throughout my teen years, all the while never missing a Sunday warming up the church pew.  

Young people have so much potential.  Without the cares of providing for a family, the world is before them in all of its glory.  Following Christ is the adventure to end all adventures, yet the enemy has infiltrated our youth with apathy, with selfishness, and self-absorption.  He has whispered the lie, and they have believed it, that they deserve anything they want at all costs.  We all fall for this lie from time to time, no matter our age.  

I am committing to pray these lies away from our family.  I want to be used by God, even if I wasted so much time, I want to be used now - however He sees fit.  I want Him to reach down into our family and grab such tight hold of all of our hearts that there is nothing else we can do besides follow Him, and I mean truly, truly follow Him.  If He is who He claims to be, and I believe with all of my heart that He is, then we have to obey Him.  NOTHING else in this life means anything.  

NOTHING.

Will you join me in praying for these two young ladies?  And if you think of us, could you offer up a prayer or two for our family as well?  We are standing firm, but some days I feel like life is getting the best of us.