Only God.... He knew who I was and who I would become and He refused to leave me there, groveling for something that He had already done. It took years and years of stubbornness, of Him tenderly chipping away at layer after layer of a heart that was so incredibly hard for absolutely no reason at all. I had every reason and opportunity to truly come to Him as a child - great parents, a family that loved me, church several days a week. I can't even really blame the devil on my lack of acceptance, I imagine he just sat back and smirked while I self-destructed. No, if I have to place blame, I think it was the "first born syndrome." I realize all first borns don't have it, but I did. I was selfish, self-righteous, self-absorbed - do you see a pattern? I wanted what I wanted, when I wanted it, and I expected that I would get it. Often I did get it, no matter what the cost. It was a sad way to live and a waste of such precious time.
I truly surrendered my life to Christ 17 years ago. I don't remember the date, but I distinctly remember the moment. There were no fireworks, but there was life change. The Holy Spirit enveloped me in a way that I could only have dreamed about and really can't describe. It was real and I have never doubted it. That was justification.
Fast forward to the present. The sanctification process is a bit more grueling. I still have a long way to go, but this week I hurdled another milestone and it is awesome. Nothing short of a miracle, though not in a flashy way. Again, no fireworks, just that still small voice in the middle of the night. I think God actually prefers to work that way. He can do flashy, but He doesn't want you to follow Him for flashy, He wants you to follow Him in the nitty gritty - and there is nothing flashy about that. In fact it is usually dirty, sometimes gross, and always humbling.
Since we moved here, we have had more than the normal bouts of illness. I have written many times about our family's health practices. We are normally very healthy. Here, however, we seem to be allergic to everything - everyone but Joshua, who had allergies in Florida and is fine out here. So, he's happy. We have had little coughs and snotty noses and things we don't normally have to deal with. Then, the big guns hit and 7 weeks ago we all had the norovirus. It knocked all seven of us on our butts in less than 24 hours. I have never in my life seen anything like it and I have never felt so miserable. It was fairly short lived, which was good because we would have died in our home from lack of food and basic necessities if it had gone on too long - it was for sure that none of us could muster up enough energy to get to the store.
We shook that off and things have gone along well until this week. Sunday afternoon Stan, Patrick, and I set off to Ikea - to purchase a futon. We got about 5 minutes down the road and I heard that awful sound that all moms recognize. It is kind of a gurgle and a strangled cry. Yep - Patrick was puking everywhere! Ugh, car seat nightmares flashed through my head - do you know how hard those things are to take apart?? Anyway, things went from bad to worse - I'm pretty sure he had rota virus. We ended up having to take him to the hospital for IVs on Tuesday and it is Thursday and though he is much better the diarrhea has not completely stopped. It has been a nasty little germ. Graham, our 11 year old, also got it, but very mildly. No one else has gotten sick - so far.
Anyway, my "moment" came when Tuesday night Graham jumped up off the couch where we were sleeping. Well, I wasn't sleeping because I had been changing Patrick about once an hour from his uncontrollable diarrhea, but the boys were sleeping at the moment. It is leather and I have been
Yeah, you can picture it. We had spaghetti for dinner - not the smartest choice in hindsight. He got to the door of the bathroom, but not all the way to the toilet. He is eleven. He is tall and big and he eats a lot. He is also a textbook case of ADHD. Kids like this don't do anything calmly - even puke. There was puke behind the toilet, on the walls (all four of them), on the door frames and baseboards, on the cabinet fronts. Did I mention that my cleaning lady comes on Tuesdays? This bathroom was spotless. Was being the operative word.
People who don't really know me think that I am patient. Maybe they just assume that because we home school and have five kids. That certainly has nothing to do with it. We home school because God said to do it. He did not give me an inordinate amount of patience and then ask me if I would like to give up my career, my days at the nail salon, my clean house, and lunch with my girlfriends in exchange for home schooling my children. Now don't get me wrong, I love home schooling and there are myriads of blessings and benefits. I wouldn't choose another route if God gave me the option (which He hasn't). The point is that patience is a fruit of the Spirit and one I do not naturally possess.
So, back to the situation at hand. Normally I would have reacted to the mess in the bathroom with frustration. Now, I would not have directed it at my sick son. He certainly didn't mean to do it and I can sympathize with the stomach virus, plus I've been cleaning up puke and vomit now for the past 48 hours anyway - it is nothing new. But, inside I would have had a complaining spirit. Y'all, if you could have seen this bathroom. I had to wipe down every square inch of it, including the walls. It took the better part of an hour, an entire roll of paper towels, and then I had to bring out the sanitizing steamer to be sure I got all those nasty little germs. This was at 3:30 in the morning and I had not been to sleep yet.
However, God did a huge thing. I looked at the bathroom, calmly and with much compassion sent Graham to take a shower, donned my rubber gloves and gathered my supplies and went to work. I didn't feel that frustration rise up in me that I normally feel in an especially aggravating situation. Instead, I felt gratitude. You see, we have some friends who were planning to come out and spend an indefinite amount of time with us while they adopted a precious preemie who was born last week here in Phoenix at 25.5 weeks gestation. We had been readying their room and preparing for their arrival. Then, this tiny little guy went to be with Jesus. He was just too frail for this world. They are devastated. God had knit their hearts to his and they were ready to welcome him into their family and love him back to health. Some other friends of ours are very close to a family from our home town and former church whose 18 month old has cancer. Daily I have been praying for her and looking at her pictures on their Facebook prayer page. In that moment, looking at all the puke and at my precious son, God whispered something deep inside of me. My kids are healthy, alive, and we are all here together. The stomach virus, no matter how nasty and lingering, is just a bump in the road and scrubbing floors is good for the soul. I got to it.
I have been reading through the Psalms and today I read Chapter 63. I will leave you with a few verses from that chapter that showed me, again, that God is not finished with me yet. He is allowing me to get to a place where He is all that I yearn for. His steadfast love is all that I truly need. It is all that this hurting world needs. I am so thankful for His tender, yet earnest prodding. I don't want to remain where I am. I want more and more of Him.
Psalm 63: 1-8
"O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you, my soul thirsts for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." (If you knew how much I can relate to that even physically, you would find it as ironic as I do. Spring in Phoenix is NO joke - it is so dry here, I wake up gasping for breath in the middle of the night)
"So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live, in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night, for you have been my help, an din the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you, your right hand upholds me."
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