Tomorrow my first born twins will be twenty years old. My parenting has evolved so much in twenty years that I feel I would be remiss if I didn't try to write down that progression.
The first few years of their lives, I was barely more than a teenager and they were like two live dolls that God had given me to play with. My relationship with Christ was pretty new - I grew up in church but did not really have a personal relationship with him until after they were born. I loved being a mom, realized that being a stay at home mom was all I ever wanted to do, and cherished our days together. I was raising two little "mini-mes" and we were having fun. It took a bit of time and some ups and downs in the very early years to get to the "fun" part - but, that is for another post.
By the time they were four, I realized that I was not ok with sending them to school all day every day. I liked what we had going. So, through a series of events, God called us to home school.
I jumped into it like I might have been born to teach! (I wasn't)
I loved our days together, snuggled on the couch reading, taking long nature walks, labeling maps, and then reading some more. Lyndsey came along and now I was a whopping 24 years old, with three children, and a very fledgling relationship with the Lord. I jumped into learning all that I could about parenting, home schooling and raising Christian kids. Well, some of you were with me during those years - whether we knew each other or not. It was the age of purity rings and "kissing dating goodbye," jeans jumpers, long plain hair, no makeup, and wheat grinders. Let me repeat an earlier sentence from this paragraph. I was 24 years old and a new Christian! I did not do jeans jumpers and no makeup and I had BIG hair!!
Alas, after three or four home school conventions - I was armed and dangerous. I still had big hair (I just can't help that) and I never completely parted company with my make up bag (I am from the South y'all and we go nowhere without "puttin our face on"). But, I was the proud owner of a closet full of jumpers, a few purity rings just ready and waiting, and curricula from companies with names like "Passport to Purity," "Grace and Truth," "Vision Forum." Yeah, you get the picture.
Now, let me say, that 16 years down the road, I now have found some balance. But, before anyone gets all upset, there is not anything wrong with any of those curriculum and all of my kids over 13 wear their purity rings - and have their purity in tact. That is not the point....What is, you ask?? Hang on, I'm getting there.
We dove into home schooling and we did it pretty well. Co-ops, music and dance classes, fencing and karate. Days at the beach and long, long conversations with so many wonderful ladies that I met along this journey. Ladies that stretched and challenged me as a mom, a teacher and as a follower of Christ. I read books I had never heard of before embarking on this journey - Total Truth, The God Who Is There, Mere Christianity, The Weight of Glory. I read them and discussed them and tried to implement their teachings into our lives. All.of.them. And therein lies the rub.
Here's the thing. God has given each of us a life. And we would all do better to live our own. Over the years I have tried so stinking hard to live the lives of my heroes. All.of.them. I want the depth of C S Lewis, the wisdom of Francis and Edith Schaeffer, the sacrificial spirit of Jim Elliot, the faith of George Mueller, and the adventure of Gladys Aylward. But, God did not make me any of those people. Yes, He lays them before me as examples of lives well lived. But, their calling is not my calling. Their children are not my children. Their spouses, their locations, their adventures are.not.mine.
By the time Graham came into our lives I knew that I could not keep the pace I was trying to keep. I was beginning to feel that maybe this whole "get however many kids you get," grind your own wheat, wear such conservative clothing that people actually wonder what you are trying to hide under there, and flush your make up thing was just not for me after all. It is a crushing weight to try to carry. All I wanted was to please God. That's when He sent me what every young woman needs. A mentor. I met a lady whose wisdom and insight has changed my life. She would laugh at that and she would say that her parenting has also evolved over the years. I'm sure it has, but one thing she has been in my life is a steady voice of reason.
God is not pleased with my paltry efforts to add to His word. He is not pleased when I, like the Pharisees before me, add so many rules and regulations to daily life that I forget or ignore the things He commanded us to do. His commands are really not that hard and really not that many. Love the Lord and love others. It really all boils down to that. Do I believe home schooling is amazing? Yes, I do. Would I go so far as to say that I believe it is God's best plan for a family? Yes, I would. Am I going to condemn you from afar, talk about you behind your back, and try to convince you where in Scripture God commands you to do it? Not anymore. But, oh, there was a day. A day that I stood loftily atop so many hills and I died daily, again and again, on each one of them. My poor children can attest. Our "rules" for dress, speech, music, make up, dating (of course we called it courting), and Bible Study changed with the wind. They couldn't keep up, I couldn't keep up, and my poor husband didn't even know what he was trying to keep up with. He has always infuriated me with his ability to live his own life and never succumb to peer pressure.
Finally, as I began to grow closer to Christ, study the Scriptures for myself, and sit under the wise tutelage of someone more experienced in parenting, home schooling, and following Christ - I began to realize that I was failing at what I really wanted. A close relationship with Christ, an excellent marriage, a close, lifelong relationship with my children - and FREEDOM. It was for freedom that Christ set us free, but I was yoked to my own rules. Yoked to things that He gives us complete freedom to decide for ourselves. Yes, there are things in life more beneficial than others. There are. And the closer I grow to Him, the more the things of the world fade away. I don't want them anymore. But, the rules and the judgment and the attitude towards others - it was always wrong. Always detrimental to my growth. And most of all, it was heavy and unnecessary. Too heavy of a burden to carry.
And then, God did another miraculous thing in my life. He opened my eyes to the world and the needs of others. He showed me what He requires of me. To do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with Him. I wasn't doing any of those things. I didn't love mercy, I loved telling other people what they did wrong, which clearly isn't humble. And justice is not what we in America like to think it is. Justice is not whether we "won" the debate about gay marriage or flat tax rates. It is not even whether or not we can "take our country back." Though, believe me, we have been to our share of Tea Party events, and no one would like to see Biblical values back in our country more than me. But, I don't believe it will happen. We are beyond that. Our only hope now lies in our identity in Christ. Jesus is the hope of America - not a politician, not any laws or regulations, and not even "values." Jesus is the hope of every man, woman, and child in the world. Jesus. And nothing else.
When you have looked into the eyes of a birth mom with tears streaming down her face as she hands you her baby and walks away - everything changes. When you put your 18 year old on a plane alone to fly to Africa with people she doesn't know and she calls you broken and humbled after ministering in a leper colony and washing the feet of women who live in a trash dump - everything changes. When your best friends open their homes to orphan hosting, fall totally and completely in love with teenagers from across the world and have to send them back knowing the horror stories of what happens inside these orphanages and even worse on the streets when they age out of the system - everything changes. When you look into the eyes of a living miracle like our friend Ruby, rescued from the streets of Uganda weighing a whopping 6 pounds at a year old, now healthy and redeemed - everything changes. When you know the statistics for sex slavery in America and around the world and you talk to people who actually go into brothels undercover to try to rescue girls as young as eight or nine years old, used for sex over and over every night right here in.our.country - everything changes. When your dreams are consumed with the faces of the literally hundreds of millions of children who go to bed at night without a mommy and daddy to kiss them - everything changes.
Suddenly, things morph into perspective and frankly, whether or not you home school your kids, wear a dress or makeup, or listen to "secular" music really seems a silly and frivolous thing to argue about, don't you think?? It makes me almost embarrassed that I actually ever had an opinion on it in the first place. Let's put our focus where it will make a difference.
With two of my "children" not children anymore at all, I want you to know that freedom is a wonderful thing. It is wonderful to raise my younger ones without so much stress. Do we still have rules? You bet. Do I believe in moral absolutes and right and wrong? You bet! Just ask them. There are lines that are not to be crossed as long as you live in our house and there are hills worth dying on. But, I choose them wisely. I choose them based on Scripture alone. If God said it, I believe it and by His grace we do it in our family (and ask forgiveness when we fail). But, if God gives us freedom in an area, then we have freedom, and we don't add to His word by imposing our choices on other people. And - gasp - sometimes I don't impose my choices on my children. If my kids want to wear something that I don't like, but it is within the standards of modesty that we believe God has spoken of in Scripture, then I let them wear it. There was a time I wouldn't have. I believe that the "church" expects too much of the world and not nearly enough of followers of Christ. Those who don't claim the blood of Jesus have no reason or obligation to follow Biblical standards. Yet, we spend so much time looking down on them and shouting to the world about the things we "hate" that they don't get close enough to us to see anything of Jesus. On the flip side, many who claim the blood of Jesus live their lives as if His sole thought is for their happiness - when in fact, He is much more concerned that we be holy, as He is.
So, on the eve of their 20th year, I want to say Happy Birthday to Joshua and Bryce. My two oldest are gracious, mature, and forgiving. By the grace of God alone, they survived my early parenting skills (or serious lack thereof). They love the Lord and they still love me. We have an amazing relationship and now we are friends. It is a true miracle. We can laugh about those early days and they lament the fact that their younger siblings have it "so much easier." I have it easier too. So, if you are new to this parenting thing, don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is hard enough without making it harder. Relax, seek God's will for your family, and then follow it. Use heroes of the faith as examples of lives sold out for Christ and for encouragement when times inevitably get tough - but, don't try to model your life after theirs. It is so much better to let God give you your own adventures! He is always faithful, He is always good, and He is never tame. Enjoy the ride!!!
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