In just a couple of weeks, we will celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I have blogged about marriage before, so I won't go into the details of how we came to be a couple. You can search the Marriage tabs if you are interested.
Today I want to talk about what I have learned about marriage after two decades.
It is not about me.
Ya'll, I am a first born. Stan is a first born. If you know anything about birth order, you know this is a dangerous combination. On top of that Stan is what has been called by some a "command man." He is a born leader, and people follow him. He is used to telling people what to do and having them DO IT. When we clash, it is not pretty.
This year, God decided that our marriage needed some stretching. So, He prompted Stan to quit his corporate job (the one where he got to tell people what to do and they did it) and have him work from home as a health care consultant. Guess what? His stubborn wife and five kids are not necessarily as compliant as his co-workers have been for twenty years.
I have had to go back to my marriage books and to the ultimate marriage Book over and over this year. I believe that God speaks to the wife first about submission and then to the husband about his responsibility to love his wife the way Christ loved the church. I know submission is a loaded word in our society, but I think that is because women do not really understand what it means and men have long abused it. However, we can not disregard the Scripture because sinful humans do not obey it properly.
Ephesians 5:24, "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."
Sorry, ladies, but it does not say wives should submit in some things, if they feel like it - nor does it say wives should submit to their always kind and loving husbands. We surely can not believe that God, in His infinite wisdom did not know that sometimes our husbands would not be kind, some of them would not even be believers, and that there would be things that we just plain did not want compromise on. He knew, ladies. He knew. Which is why this verse (and others like it) are included in Scripture.
I believe that my biggest job is to support Stan. I have always believed that, regardless of how I have at times acted. His career, his goals, and his dreams are what ultimately direct our lives. He will answer to God for how he conducted himself in the fulfillment of those things. I will answer to God for how well I helped him. I believe that my critical attitude and negativity is far more detrimental to the state of our marriage that his mistakes and bad habits. Mom sets the tone of the home. We don't have to like that fact, but it remains true. You know it is true in your home as well.
If the children are cranky and I respond with anger or similar crankiness - what happens? The day spirals downward. However, if I respond with a gentle answer, which Scripture tells us "turns away wrath," then I can begin to reroute the day. The same is true with my husband. He does not have to be kind or even right for me to respond gently and lovingly.
1 Corinthians tells us that love is patient and kind. That it does not boast and that it does not demand its own way.
If I have learned anything of value in twenty years, anything that may help some young bride - or some old bride, because ladies it is NEVER too late to have a wonderful marriage. If I have learned anything it is this - Stan (and I suspect all husbands) responds to respect, honor, and gentleness. He in turn bends over backwards to give me what I want when I consistently honor him. And God then pours out buckets full of blessings on your marriage.
I will close with a personal story. It is not something I am proud of, but it is true, so I will share it. I have lost my way the past few months. Our kids can attest. Our home has not been the joyful, happy place that I so desire for it to be. Stan and I have been snappy with each other, our kids have responded with backbiting and anger amongst themselves and towards us. We have had a few major blow ups and lots of tears (on my part). I have felt very despairing that things would ever get better. It felt like too much. I actually had a moment when I realized that the state of our marriage was the very reason the divorce rate is so high. It's the little, stupid things that end marriages. The big things are there in your path and you have to find a way around them - the little things build up slowly. It truly is a slow fade. Divorce for Stan and me is not an option. We promised God and we verbally promised our kids that they would never have to face the pain that brings. So - we don't mention it and we don't entertain it as even the most remote possibility. But, these past few months, I have clearly realized how good, God fearing people get there.
A couple of weeks ago as I was begging God, for what seemed like the upteenth time to help us, I realized something. I had been asking Him to "fix" it but not asking Him what I was supposed to be learning. I was not asking for wisdom, which He desires to give. So, I changed my prayers - and He MOVED. Suddenly I realized with startling clarity that my marriage was in the rut it was in because of ME. Not because Stan was not being kind (even though he really wasn't), not because our kids were acting like spoiled brats (and believe me they were), and not because we were traveling too much (though we were) -- no, the rut we were in was solely because of my bad attitude. It is a heavy burden to know that you, Mom, control the dispersion of the fruit of the Spirit in your home - but you do. I don't like it either, but we don't have to like something for it to be true. I realized that I knew deep down that I was the problem. But, I was continuing to demand my own way - which is the opposite of love. I was continuing to claim to be hurt and sad - which is really just the flip side of bitter, resentful, and repulsive. Who wants to be around someone like that? No one, I can tell you. My family certainly did not want to be around me.
James tells us this, "To him that knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is a sin."
I knew. I knew I was not truly loving my husband and family. I knew it, but I "did it not" and it was a sin. Sin separates us from God's power to move mountains in our lives. He wasn't moving because I was living in a perpetual state of sin. And deep down, I knew it.
So, guess what? I got out my Bible and notebook and I began to write down verses about joy. I did word studies on peace. I fell on my face and told God how very sorry I was for the way I had been acting. I can only be responsible for ME. I can not change my husband or even my children. I can change me. And I did.
The results have been nothing short of a miracle. I have not felt such peace in our marriage in years. Truly. And you guys, ALL I really did was smile and make a conscious decision not to be offended about every little thing. That's it. Stan is happier than I have seen him in a very long time and my kids were actually caught tangled up on the couch together last night laughing over something they were reading. Truly, that has not happened around here in way too long.
I am sorry this got so long, but I truly feel like someone may need to read it. See things differently in your marriage. Smile - men love smiles. Relax - men hate anxiety. Remember that it is not about you, but that in your submission you will find secret places in your husband's heart that you did not even know were there. He will want to love you as Christ loved the church, which is a concept that is way under discussed in church circles. You will all be blessed in the end.
**I want to make a note here that I am talking about a husband who is the "normal" amount of unkind and selfish - like every human being on the earth. What I am not talking about is a husband who is abusive in ANY way. In that type of situation - get out, get safe, and get help. **
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