Anxiety is my closest companion some days - I strive to keep it firmly in the category of an "affliction" and not allow it to move into the sin category. But, I fail so miserably and though CS Lewis says I shouldn't, I do feel a lot of guilt about it.
"Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don't agree at all. They are afflictions, not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ." CS Lewis
If Mr. Lewis is correct in this statement, then I most definitely have an opportunity to share in the passion of Christ in a big way. I am not sure I can take it though to be honest.
So today I am reading and copying "fear" verses. I love what I am reading. "Perfect love casts out fear." "His mercy is for those who fear Him, from generation to generation." "Fear not, little flock, it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the Kingdom." "Do not fear, only believe." Yes - I snatched all of those right out of context and did not give you the references. But, the Bible is living and active and today - I need these (and the other 400) and I am claiming them.
So, for those of you who read my blog and see my FB posts and think somehow that I am "fearless" then I am so sorry to burst your bubble. I am terrified right now. I am terrified of the 12 hour flight to even get to Ch*na much less all the rest that goes with it. I am scared of taking my other kids with me but the fear of leaving them here and going that far away outweighed that one. I am afraid of germs, the food, the in country flights, the van ride we have to take to apply for J's passport (the one with no car seat for Patrick and no seat belts for the rest of us). I am afraid that Patrick is going to take a huge slurp of tap water and I am afraid that I will have to drink protein shakes three times a day for two weeks because I can't find any food I am willing to eat. I am afraid I am not packing enough, but I am also afraid my husband is going to freak because of all that I have packed. I am afraid because when we get back home we have some other really big things going on in our family and we are going to hit the ground running with not as much down time as I would have liked. I am afraid of the dynamics of our family changing and I am afraid Jeremiah won't like us. Our life is at an easy point right now - the kids are growing up and self sufficient, they get along pretty well, and we are finally feeling at home in Arizona. I am scared of knocking all of that off balance, which we are surely about to do.
Here is what I am not afraid of though. Here is the one and only part of me that has truly "slayed" the monster that stalks me almost constantly. I am not afraid of being inside of God's will. I know that I know that I know that one day along about the year 1999, I was on my hands and knees mopping my kitchen floor and God whispered in my ear that one day I would mother 7 children. I was at the time mothering three and pretty much overwhelmed with that. Now, we are well on our way (closer than we have announced yet - hint, hint) to seven. I had no idea that fateful day where our children would come from - I knew at least one of them would come through adoption, but I had no particular country in mind. I was very new at the time to following God's leading in my life and even newer to hearing His voice.
So, when people say to me, "Wow - nothing ruffles you." "You don't mind having a house full." "I could never do that, it scares me too death." These things I hear basically daily.
Here's what I have to say to that. Everything. Every freaking thing ruffles me. I love a house full for a bit and I love being ALONE even more. And you know what - being scared too death does NOT preclude you from doing "that" - whatever it is.
I am not fearless. I am terrified. My stomach is churning, I can't sleep at night, and I have this sick sinking feeling that everything easy about my life is about to fly right out the window. I am afraid of hard. I don't like hard. I want God to make it easy - easy transitions, easy medical situations, easy (and non-turbulent) plane rides -- the plane ride, you guys - it's freaking me out!!!! I want more dates nights, yet I am about to have less - WAY less. I want to sleep all night in bed with my husband (and only my husband). I want to go on romantic getaways and travel to romantic places. I want all the same things you want.
Here is what I want more though. I want more to be smack dab in the middle of God's will. You know why? I am stubborn and hard headed, but one thing I have learned in the past 20 years of following Him is this - there is NO place better for finding true joy. There is only one way to find joy in this life and that is not in vain and selfish pursuits. And if you notice, every single thing I listed above was vain and selfish in and of itself. There is nothing wrong with date nights and romantic getaways, but God will provide those for us when we need them - He always does. What is selfish is saying that I want "more" of the things that please me. More easy, more vacation, more sleep. "Seek ye first His Kingdom and all the rest will be added unto you." God provides all that I need - He always has and I have no doubt that He will continue to. But, true joy only comes from following Him into the hard places. The places that sometimes I don't "feel" like I want to go.
So, as this trip approaches, here are the things I am totally and completely sure of. First, Jeremiah is MY son. I would travel around the world a dozen times to bring him home and I will love him as long as I have breath - even if he never loves me back. Next, being a mom brings me more lasting joy than any other profession ever ever could - raising the next generation of warriors for Christ is all that I can imagine doing with my life. Finally, whatever happens next for our family and wherever God leads us, no matter how hard it is - I will continue fighting the monster of fear and anxiety and I will set my heart, mind and strength on trusting and fearing nothing but the Lord. There are millions of children without a family - that is the passion God has given me - and I will step out in faith, no matter how afraid I am, until they ALL have a family or He calls me home.
This is the legacy that I want to leave my children.
"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” Isaiah 41:13
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