Adoption and trauma go hand in hand. Always. No matter what the circumstances behind an adoption - there is a tragedy involved. What to us is a moment of long anticipated joy is to our children the culmination of a series of traumatic events leading them to a place they never wanted to go. Whether it happened after only nine months in the womb and 9 days out of it, as it did for Patrick or whether it was three and half years worth of events leading up to "that" day - as it was for Jeremiah - there is still trauma and tragedy and heartache. Yes, Patrick's "break" was easier on the surface. His mind can not remember his birth mother. But, his body can. Her DNA is a part of him and it always will be. There is connection in our cells and when that connection tragically breaks, there is long term pain involved. Patrick is totally and completely attached to me - and to our family. He is. And yet, there are issues that arise from time to time that can only be explained by the trauma he endured in utero and the break that happened soon after. Those things are irrelevant to our love for him or even to his day to day activities. But, they are very relevant to the man he is growing into. They are part of him and we can not deny them - it would only add another tragedy to his life if we attempted to.
Jeremiah's story is a little more complicated on the surface. How their respective stories will affect the men they grow into remains to be seen. Jeremiah does remember. Not his birth parents - that break was made early, and his mind can not remember it. Yet, it is still a combination of their DNA that makes up his physical body. What he does remember are the caretakers he has had since he lost his birth parents. We are eternally grateful that his caretakers have been kind, loving, and godly. His life has been happy and settled. He has been well cared for, fed, kissed and played with. He is developmentally on track and at least in my experience, well advanced in many ways for a three year old. The problem is that no matter how wonderful of an environment you live in, when you are an orphan, living in an orphanage - that is not a family. It is a type of "familial" living and in his case, it was a very very good representation. But, a representation is not the real thing. And his nannies, though they loved him dearly, were not the same as a Mama. It was their job to love him. I love him because he is mine.
Bonding and attachment are intentional work. They don't just happen. I believe that love is a choice. God led us to Jeremiah and we chose him 11 months ago. We began at that point to choose to love him. I understand, because I talk to hundreds of women about this, that adoption is not an easy choice for some people. The thought of loving "someone else's child" is overwhelming to many women (and men too I suppose, I just talk mostly to women). They want to want to - but, they think they just can't. For me, this is the easy part. It never crossed my mind that I would not love Patrick and Jeremiah as much as I love my biological children. It just didn't. Now, I knew that adopting an older child may be somewhat different in the beginning than adopting a newborn. Patrick was handed to me weighing five pounds. He really had not formed any distinguishable personality yet and he was a tiny, precious baby. I wrapped him up in my sling and carried him around just like my first four children. And I fell in love with him as he fell in love with me.
Jeremiah came to us with a personality intact. A pretty strong one, I might add. I was prepared that I may have to "fake it til I felt it" with him, as I have heard many people say. I know that three is a hard age anyway and I was prepared that he may have habits and mannerisms that just got on my nerves. Ya know? Like when you babysit someone else's child and you love them and you are kind to them, because they are a child and you are an adult, and you just do. But, they do things that just get on your nerves. It's ok to admit, we have all felt it.
I can honestly say however, that I do love him. He doesn't get on my nerves and he hasn't really displayed any habits (yet anyway) that are particularly annoying to me. If you are reading and you did have a hard time with bonding, please don't feel defeated or "less than" or any of that. Every person and every child and every situation is different. I could adopt again and have a totally different experience - and so could you.
Attachment, I would define as the act of forming the true parent/child bond with your child. When we talk about attachment in adoption circles, we all kind of mean whatever is the opposite of RAD. It is a scary acronym to those of us who adopt older children. I guess a child of any age could have RAD, but somehow we mostly equate it with the "older" ones. Those who have already had their little wills shaped by someone else, someone who is not you. We read books and blogs and we scare ourselves too death about the horrors of reactive attachment disorder. And it is a real thing, and it happens. A lot. We want to do it right and be sure that nothing we do tips the scales the wrong way. It is a lot of pressure.
Attachment is not something that happens automatically. It takes real, intentional work. You can not just jump back into your busy schedule with a newly adopted toddler or older child. These children thrive on consistency. Their entire world has been turned upside down. They have no idea what or who they can count on anymore.
We arrived home two weeks ago, and today marks one month since our Gotcha Day. So, it is still early to talk about complete bonding and attachment. We are doing very very well, but there are still moments that it is painfully clear that we have a long way to go.
For our family, bonding has looked like spending a lot of time playing, singing, eating (so much eating). Food is a really important tool for bonding. What may look like bribery - and sometimes is - is also a huge factor for trust. Jeremiah came to us very well fed and well taken care of. That is not always the case. However, even though he has never had to perform for his meals or wonder if he was going to get one - the fact is that he had no way to know if we could be trusted. Food is a huge thing. I know for me, one of my biggest concerns about our trip to China was food. What if we can't find anything suitable to eat? I brought a suitcase full of food - it was my security blanket in a way. How much more so for a three year old being thrust into a situation that he did not choose and had no say in. What if they don't feed me???? It has to be something that runs through their little minds. So, we met him at the door with lollipops and crackers. We allowed him to eat as much as he wanted when we would go to the restaurant for a meal. We gave him snacks every time he asked. We kept his cup of water full all the time and in plain sight. Now that we have had him for a month, he has learned that we are going to feed him. So, after he eats two bananas, then I can steer him in another direction when he asks for a third, knowing that he is not really hungry. We still have a full water bottle near him all the time and we still offer snacks and meals more frequently than we will as time goes on. But, I think we have cleared the food hurdle for the most part. He does love to eat though, and has been so compliant about trying new foods. We have learned that, in addition to his "staples" of seaweed sheets, noodles, and bananas - his "new" loves are olives, yogurt frozen into a popsicle, toast with butter, and dried peas. Sometimes he eats these all at the same time, because you know - choices are HARD.
As we settle into our new normal, I am realizing what I already knew would be true. This whole thing is about me. What I mean by that is not what it sounds like. Many would say (and do say to us daily) that Jeremiah is so "lucky" (I don't like that word and do not believe in luck) or they will say he is so "blessed" to have us. In fact, it is the other way around completely - if I believed in luck, then there is no doubt that the "lucky" ones are us. We GET to. We need him a lot more than he needs us. Because you know what, God could have used anyone. He could have picked someone far more qualified. But, that's the thing about God. He is just so - GOD. He wants to draw us to a place that we never would have gone on our own. A place where He must show up or we just couldn't make it. Never make the common mistake of believing that God will never give you more than you can handle. That is not Biblical and I promise you it is not true. God absolutely will give you more than you can handle. If He wouldn't, this chic would not be attempting to mother six children - I can assure you of that. I am a complete and utter disaster. There is absolutely nothing I feel truly good about in my life. Most days I fall into bed feeling like a complete failure. Overwhelmed with all the "little" things of life that add up to make a huge boulder in the path. I never feel like enough in any area of my life.
But God.....He shows up in sticky kisses and giggles. He is there when teenagers hold your hand. He whispers I love you in the voice of a five year old who has been missing his Mom and just wants to snuggle. He tells me over and over that though I never deserved this life, He gave it to me just because He can. He delights to give us the desires of our heart - and a long time ago, I decided that the only true desire in my heart is to follow Him into the deepest places. I stumble, I fall, I fail - I feel like I fail much more than I succeed. Yet, somehow we keep moving in forward motion. We keep putting one foot in front of the other. Somehow, I have amazing adult children, teenagers who love me (and like me most of the time), and now two little boys who fight over who gets to snuggle with Mama. Honestly, my life is nothing like I thought it would be at this point, but it is far more than I ever dreamed or imagined.
God is there - and that is really all that matters in the end. I am so eternally grateful.
I will leave you with a few pictures from the past couple of weeks. That smile -- oh my goodness, it melts my heart. Watching him learn to accept our love is a beautiful picture of how God knits hearts together. It seems like yesterday we were in that Gotcha room, but at the very same time, I don't know how we ever lived without this little guy. Our family was definitely missing someone - and I am so thankful we found him!!
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