This is not going to be a popular post. In fact, it is probably going to stir up some feelings of anger and injustice and self righteousness in some. If that is you, the I hope it stirs you to give it some good hard thought - and lots of prayer.
It is no secret that I believe in adoption. I believe with all of my heart that orphan care is the responsibility of believers. I could list Scripture after Scripture of God telling us to care for the fatherless and vulnerable. Who is more vulnerable among us than children without protectors? I have wanted to adopt my whole life, it is just something God put on my heart as a child. I have never questioned whether I could love "someone else's child" and I have never asked myself "what if this doesn't work out" when faced with adding a child to our family. Honestly, never.
However, I read tons of adoption blogs and I am a member of countless FB boards about adoption. Special needs adoption, domestic, international, older child, foster care, kids from hard places, etc.... In the six years since we adopted for the first time, I have learned many things - but the one thing that breaks my heart the most is the disruptions. They happen all.the.time. I know there may be a time and a place for a disruption, and God may require me to walk through that heartache at some point - but, there is one thing I can stand before Him and a watching world and declare without hesitation. Unless one of my younger children is in danger - either of being physically harmed or sexually assaulted by a child I brought into our home - I WILL figure out how to deal. Stan and I watched a family walk through the sorrow and horror of having to have a beloved son, whom they adopted, placed in a group facility. He tried multiple times to kill them and his brother, who they also adopted at the same time. They moved to several states, tried several different schools and counselors, they spent years trying to parent this son - and no one could have. Through no fault of his own, his life prior to entering their home had just completely ruined him for normal life in a family. So incredibly sad. They live near his group home to this day and visit him daily. He is loved and I believe they did the absolute only thing they could have in this situation. Sadly, this is not the norm when things go south with an adoption.
More often, the child enters the family, shows signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder (which can not be accurately diagnosed in a week or a month or even six months) and the family says, "Well, it didn't work out." Yes, there is much more emotion involved than that, but that is truly the crux of it. And then what happens? That poor child is rejected again, told in deed if not words that they are not worth it. There are even disruptions years after an adoption for the simple reason of "oops, we got pregnant." Or families bring home a five year old when they already have a five year old and then say "oops, we can not handle two five year olds." Yes, those are absolute real life examples that I have personally seen happen. And this from followers of Christ!!! Folks, the world is watching us. Watching us walk out on our marriages and our children. And they are supposed to know us by our love.
Every single day on the FB adoption boards I am part of, I see the posts. "Which agency is the quickest to find a child with "minor" special needs?" To which I want to scream from the rooftops - "Get a goldfish!!!" There are NO "minor" special needs when it comes to adoption. Yes, I know what they mean - a "minor" physical needs, with little long term impact. But, friends - emotional needs are much more lingering and difficult to parent than physical ones. Believe me. I have two little boys - one born with a club foot - which was seriously a non-need and the other with a more serious file - several surgeries, but still not a "major long term" issue. Our third son is coming to us with no physical health issues that we are aware of. But, all three of my little boys are traumatized. They had traumatic breaks in their lives and the body does not forget that easily. It fights to remember.
If you do not know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you can handle the emotional impact of adoption, then donate to an adoption fund - there are people who can. These children deserve better than a half hearted attempt. And if you are willing to disrupt without exhausting absolutely every available resource and sometimes even being willing to say "this child will never love me and I will love him anyway because I am the adult here" - then maybe it is not for you. And you know what, that is ok. There are more ways than one to be a part of the orphan crisis.
There was a time I would not have said this. There was a time I would have blasted the church for its seeming lack of desire to be part of orphan care. (Ok, I still am more than willing to blast the church for that - I have rarely seen a more apathetic group than the "church" in America). But, now I have been deep in this lifestyle for six years and I have seen things that I honestly never thought I would see. These children are hurt - and we are not training new adoptive parents on how to handle it. They are expected to be "grateful" and so glad to have a family. They are expected to behave maturely in situations that they have never encountered - like the family dinner table maybe. These children are wounded, terrified, and lonely. All of those hurts are manifested mostly as anger. Hurt people hurt people. We all know it is true, but we don't want to deal with it when the rubber meets the road.
When we first got home with Jeremiah, Patrick was really struggling with not being the baby anymore. Six years is a long time to have an entire house full of adults catering to you. What made me the saddest was that Patrick is the one who "found" Jeremiah on the website. He prayed to be a big brother, he told literally everyone about his little brother in China. He talks about orphan care to everyone (and he is adopted himself which he also loves to talk about). Several weeks after we got home, after a particularly hard day, I asked Patrick to talk to me about how he was feeling. Sadly, he said, "I just liked his picture better."
Now, thankfully, things are looking up and they are slowly but surely becoming brothers. But, that statement has resonated with me for the past three months. "I liked his picture better." Isn't that true of the way most people view orphan care? We don't want to see pictures of sad and starving orphans. We want to do something. When we hear that 18,000 children die every single day from hunger related disease, we are appalled. We "love" their pictures.
But, each of those pictures represents a real flesh and blood human. With a personality and mannerisms that may get on your nerves. Each of those pictures represents a person, one who is hiding more traumatic experiences behind those soulful eyes than you or I will likely ever even hear about in our lifetimes, much less actually experience. These kids are hurt. And we are the adults. Patrick is six, so he gets some grace. When you or I go through a year long process to bring a child into our homes, we do not get to say "I liked your picture better."
It is hard work. It is down and dirty and exhausting. It hurts - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Spiritually it will tear you apart. You will rage at God sometimes screaming "WHERE are YOU?" You will take one step forward and 400 back. And sometimes, the breakthrough never happens. Sometimes he or she is still mean and catty. Sometimes the anger is barely simmering under the surface and often it explodes. Your other kids don't know what is going on. It is messy. And sometimes you just have to say, "I love you anyway."
Friends, I don't mean to be harsh - just real. I think the time has passed for sugar coating adoption and showing pictures of these precious smiling babies without talking about the other side. Every picture on my blog of Patrick and Jeremiah is real. Every single one. They do smile, a lot. They belly laugh and they play. But sometimes they sob - gut wrenching cries of grief, unlike anything I have ever heard in my life. Sometimes Patrick wants to know why. Why did my first mommy not want me? Jeremiah will want to know too. Those questions are deep and raw. And you must - you MUST be prepared to deal with them.
You must know that when you bring a teenager into your home, he or she will not immediately be thankful. Why would they? They have no obligation to love you. You are not the first person to tell them this is forever. Or to say "I will love you no matter what." Everyone says that, until it gets hard. Until they yell "You are not my mom." or "I don't want a dad." Teenagers know where to strike to draw the most blood. Believe me, I have a few of them myself - and biological or adopted, they go for the gut. Add trauma to that and oh my goodness.
Friends, please. Dig deep into yourself before you start the adoption process. Play out the worst case scenarios in your mind. Be sure that God is leading. There are many many options for supporting those who He does lead to adopt. Be very very sure that you are not stepping out on your own. It is the most rewarding thing I have ever done - but, it is not easy. I think that for far too long, we have unintentionally been misleading by only blogging about the good times. We want to celebrate those - but there is so much more that needs to be talked openly about.
Talk to many people, leave me a comment, do your research before you enter this world. It will grow you and stretch you unlike anything else I can imagine - but you need to be prepared.
No comments:
Post a Comment