Drip, drip, drip...

Have you ever heard the term "helicopter parenting?" I heard it for the first time last week and since then I have heard it several more times. When that happens I assume God is trying to get my attention. I am spending some time contemplating this term, and this parenting style. I don't think that I parent this way, but then again, do most people see the error of their ways? I hope to be teachable, so I am examining my heart before the Lord and asking Him speak to me on this issue. My gut tells me that though I may be prone to this type of thing, with five children I simply do not have the time to "hover."

The term, I assume, comes from the fact that choppers have the ability to hover, and helicopter parents have the same tendency. Beginning on the playground, these parents are the ones who follow their young children around, sticking so close to them that they begin to anticipate every tumble and soon do not even allow their toddler to fall down. Please do not hear me advocating that we send out two year olds out to play without supervision. Obviously, we have the responsibility and the desire to watch our children closely. To train them not to touch hot stoves or run into the street.

However, a child that never falls down, never has a chance to get up. To put it more philosophically, "without any battles, there are never any victories."

As the children grow, these mostly well meaning parents also grow in their ability to smother. Yesterday morning a helicopter flew over my house. As I listened to the chopping sound of the blades, it reminded me of a verse in the Bible. "...a wife’s quarreling is a continual dripping of rain." Proverbs 19:13 I know we are talking about the parent/child relationship, but I think this could be applied. A parent (I would think mostly mothers, but certainly fathers could do this) with a tendency to hover over their toddler, soon enough has a young adult on their hands. Young adults who are trying to grow up and find their own way appreciate this behavior even less than toddlers. I can imagine the constant nagging begins to sound like the incessant "chop, chop, chop" of the blades on the flying machine.

I know a few mothers like this, and it is unfortunate for them because it really strains their relationship with their children and it causes their children to have strained relationships with others. Their children are self-absorbed and demanding. They are paranoid about certain aspects of life and very dependent. These young people are used to things being done for them exactly when they want them done. They have taken the selfish tendencies of every child, every human being really, and been allowed to ride them to their natural end. They are obnoxious and for the most part hard to be friends with. When my children encounter kids like this, usually it doesn't take long for them to back away from the friendship. "It is just too much work," is often what I hear.

I really cringe when I see mothers constantly dripping at their teenage sons. I have a teenage son and I feel like some days all I do is "drip" at him. I annoy myself with it! Then I have to apologize and ask him to forgive my incessant noise. Because truly, that's all he hears after a while, pure "white" noise. And I have a very compliant teenage son right now. When my little guy gets older, I am going to have to get my act together because I am going to have a real firecracker on my hands if I don't. Something tells me that my little Graham will not bow to my nagging. Worse though is that sometimes Joshua does, and I do not want to train him to look for a nagging wife.

I am so thankful for a wonderful mentor in my life. A lady who has raised six sons who all walk with the Lord. She speaks truth into my life and to sum it up she says this about teenagers. You have to give them some rope, allow them to make mistakes. Never allow them to be in a position to have an irreconcilable moral failure, but allow them to fall. If they do not learn from their own mistakes and over and over continue to walk in sin and bad choices, then pull in the rope for a season. Hold them closer for a while, then let it out again. Our goal as parents is to work ourselves out of a job. No one wants a dependent 30 year old "child" and our culture is crawling with them.

Smothering your children too death is never the answer. They will only desire to break free of you. We have chosen not to shield our children from the possibility of every hurt. As soon as they are old enough, they are allowed to climb all over playground equipment. The walk in and around the tunnels and my eight year old has even been known to climb up and jump from the very top! Do I realize that he could break a bone? Of course I do, and I am sure that children have. However, so far he has not done more than sport a bruise or two - and sport them proudly, I might add. Statistics show that the things we parents fear the most, like abduction, are really very, very unlikely. Far more children are seriously injured by burns in the home. So, I focus on training my children how to safely use a hot stove and then I send them right outside to play! I refuse to allow fear to cause my children to be stifled. I want them to enjoy God's creation and I want them to grow strong in body as well as mind and soul. I want my boys to have sword fights and build their muscles. I want their legs taunt from climbing trees and their bodies hearty and strong from fresh air and exercise. Finally, I want my young adult offspring to be independent. I want them to face their world with confidence and not neurotic, irrational fears. I want them ready for the battles that life will inevitably bring them. I know that there are some hurts that mommies can not kiss away and my job is to train them to live independently of me. They are loaned to me and God has a plan for their lives. I must help them find His ways, which are not necessarily my ways. Then, and only then, can we dance the dance of life together - in worship and adoration of the One who created us.